When trolling our website (as in ‘looking at our content,’ not ‘writing mean comments on other posts’), this week I found that we here at PorchDrinking haven’t told you what you should do with yourself if its too rainy to sit on your porch.  We are two full weeks deep into Summer Movie Season and no one has given you a handy week by week guide on how to spend your $13-18 (guess where I live!) at the local movie theater.  But fear not, PDers! For I am here to be the Wal-Mart greeter of your cinematic experience.

Friday, May 17 (TOMORROW)

Star Trek Into Darkness

Because of this film’s title, I will use “Star Trek Into…” as a way to tell anyone where I’m going.  As in, “Hey, I’m going to Star Trek Into the bar later. Want to come?” or “Oh man my back hurts. I better Star Trek Into the doctor tomorrow.”  But anyway, I really want to be excited for this movie but it all looks like esplosions (yeah, esplosions) and them being all “Oh man we’re going to lose, aren’t we?”  Cue inspirational speech, perhaps someone sacrificing themselves but [SPOILER ALERT] they ultimately are ok and the Federation wins.  Hurrah! My other issue is that (and I’m not the first person to complain about this but I’M DOING IT ANYWAY) these cats are supposed to be soldier-y types so why on earth (or space) do they insist on dressing Zoe Saldana like a space stripper?

Friday, May 24

Two films open this weekend that made me think “Dear God, must we?”

Hangover III

Fast and Furious A Million

There’s also this film called Epic.  The IMDB description reads as follows: “A teenager finds herself transported to a deep forest setting where a battle between the forces of good and the forces of evil is taking place.  She bands together with a rag-tag group of characters in order to save their world- and ours.”  Oh man.  You guys- this film has forces of good AND forces of evil.  And then on top of that, there’s a RAG-TAG GROUP OF CHARACTERS.  I don’t know if I can handle it.

Friday, May 31

After Earth

Will Smith makes this seem promising.  Well, until you realize that little boy is his son and this film was directed by M. Night Shyamalan.  So, unless you want a “How did this get made?” experience, I would pass.

Now You See Me

At first  you’re all, “Oh fuck, a magic film? Did we learn nothing from Burt Wonderstone?”  But nay! This is Ocean’s 11… with magic.  I’m so excited and I just CANNOT hide it.

Friday, June 7

Skip the blockbusters this weekend- The Internship  (I mean, a Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson film? What is this, 2007?) and The Purge.  Go see Joss Whedon’s super awesome Much Ado About Nothing.  It is all Joss’s favorites, shot at his house.  If this doesn’t sound really cool to you, just go see F&F6 because you are the worst.

Friday, June 14

Speaking of bros…

I’m not sure if the whole “oh man they’re playing themselves” thing will sustain a whole film but I have several weeks to decide if seeing that is worth my $13.  But let’s be real- you’re going to go see this:

Friday, June 21

World War Z

If you ended up seeing This is the End, World War Z is what Brad Pitt was doing when all those dudes were in LA.  You might want to plan a double feature and watch Monsters University.  I know watching the Monsters trailer really helped me decompress after that human/rope pile in Z.  

Friday, June 28

Don’t worry about stupid White House Down (it doesn’t seem that Channing Tatum is shirtless in this film, so honestly why bother?) and see The Heat.  You can have so many discussions about how we finally realized that women can be funny.

 

Well that gets you guys to the end of June.  I’ll be back later to help you finish out the rest of your summer.  Until then, adieu.