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We still have a long, expensive, and amusing campaign season ahead of us before the 2016 presidential election, so I thought it would be wise to make sure we’re all aware of which beers pair best with each candidate’s shenanigans. I think you’ll find that each of the beers in this list will have its own time and place to be enjoyed in the next 18 months as the as the pool of candidates grows, fights with itself, and ultimately shrinks to a few shrewd (or lucky) frontrunners. So read on for the only source of political news you’ll need today, the Ultimate 6er for 2016 Presidential Contenders.

(MORE: Ultimate 6er | 2016 Presidential Contenders Part II)

Confirmed Candidates (as of April 19):

Hillary Clinton

Pandora’s Bock – Breckenridge Brewery
7.5% ABV

According to Greek mythology, Pandora’s Box was a large jar given to Pandora that contained all the evils of the world, and many Republicans would probably describe Clinton’s private email server in very similar terms. It’s certainly not something they’re going to let her forget on the campaign trail, so we’ll make sure to send this list to Clinton in case she needs any beer suggestions after a long day on the road.

Note: Pandora’s Bock is no longer available for public distribution, much like Clinton’s emails are not available to the general public. Breckenridge has replaced Pandora’s Bock with their spring seasonal, the Ophelia Hoppy Wheat ale, so I encourage you to reach for one of those as you read the rest of this 6er and forgive my trickery.

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Ted Cruz

Hotter Than Helles – Cigar City Brewing
ABV: 5.0%

There are a lot of articles documenting the ridiculous things this guy has said, but his continuous denial of climate change paired well with Cigar City Brewing’s Hotter than Helles lager. Even if Cruz can’t admit that the climate system is warming, at least the rest of us will have this refreshing lager to drink while we listen to NASA’s warnings about rising sea levels, global temperature rise, and glacial retreat. That is, assuming NASA continues to receive funding now that Ted Cruz is the chair of Senate subcommittee on Space, Science, and Competitiveness, which oversees NASA…

It might be time for another beer.

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Marco Rubio

A Deal with the Devil – Anchorage Brewing Co.
ABV: 17.30%

We all have friends that we feel comfortable inviting to dinner, using as references, and introducing to prospective partners. However, some of us have friends that don’t fall into that category, and Rubio is one of them. He co-owns a house in Tallahassee with his friend David Rivera, a former U.S. Representative, which went into foreclosure proceedings in 2010 after the two politicians failed to make mortgage payments on the home for five months. Rivera has had other legal troubles, and the Tallahassee home is now for sale. It’s been noted in the media that Rubio and Rivera have been seen together much less frequently as 2016 approaches, suggesting that Rubio may have finally understood that certain ‘deals’ are best left undone.

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Rand Paul

Boulevard Bully! Porter – Boulevard Brewing Co.
6.0% ABV

Of all the politicians on this list, Rand Paul’s marketing strategies may be the most creative of the bunch. The downside to using unorthodox publicity stunts is that some of them can turn out to be quite mean. His website is currently selling “Hillary’s Hard Drive” which, although pricy (the hard drive retails for $99.95), I can get behind as a silly political gimmick. But the fake Pinterest board mocking Hillary Clinton, which Paul tweeted about, went a little too far. Pinterest ultimately removed the page for violating their Acceptable Use policy, but the sexist and distasteful page makes Paul the bully of the bunch.

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Likely Candidates:

Scott Walker

Arrogant Bastard Ale – Stone Brewing Co.
7.2% ABV

As the only candidate on this list who faced (and won) a recall election, he then had the audacity/ego/hubris to run for the Wisconsin governorship again. He won the second time around too, which further established him as a Republican 2016 favorite. For this reason, he’s the arrogant bastard of the Republican contenders.

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Jeb Bush

Corona Light – Grupo Modelo
3.2% ABV

Does having a Hispanic wife and living in Florida allow you to call yourself Hispanic? Because Jeb Bush seems to think so. In 2009, he labeled himself as Hispanic on his voter ID form. That’s why Corona Light is a great fit for Bush – it’s a light version of a real Hispanic beer.

 

 

 

 

(MORE: Ultimate 6er | 2016 Presidential Contenders Part II)

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