A lot has happened this week! Scandals abound, there are some movies to keep an eye on, and my hope in humanity was restored. Here’s what you might’ve missed this week in pop culture:

Things Are Looking Up For Team Jacob

Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson. With an older man. Who’s married. And has kids. And was her director in Snow White and the Huntsman. And the studio was considering a sequel to that movie. And Kristen and Robert still have to promote another Twilight movie together.

All of those elements make this story delicious for those people out there who love to hate Kristen Stewart. But none of those are even the best part in my opinion. My favorite thing about this scandal is Kristen’s pre-emptive public apology hours before photos of her making out with her director hit newsstands. Kristen expresses remorse for her “momentary indiscretion” and for hurting Rob, closing the letter with “I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.” The repetition of her love is incredibly convincing, though I cannot yet confirm that the handwritten draft of this apology is stained in her tears.

For a glimpse at how Kristen is feeling now, we go to the chart:

     

Fred Willard Got Screwed … By Himself

There’s nothing funny about people masturbating in movie theaters. Unless you’re a 72 year old man who’s best known for playing cute/quirky grandfather figures. Willard was busted last weekend when LAPD officers caught him performing a “lewd act” in the Tiki Theater in Los Angeles. Willard has taken it all in stride, joking around with paparazzi and Jimmy Fallon. He’s not even being prosecuted—instead, the LA County Sheriff is requiring Willard to take a class on criminal law and how to be a better citizen. One can only hope they also teach him what the internet is.

Michael Jackson’s Family Is Insane

This story is almost too confusing to even care about. Michael Jackson’s children tweeted about their grandmother—who has been their guardian since his death—disappearing, or being kidnapped, or on drugs, or something. Turns out she was at a spa in Arizona. But the whole thing escalated into a battle between Michael’s siblings, the executors of his will, other siblings, the kids, and Michael’s mom. Eventually, temporary custody was awarded to Tito Jackson’s son TJ. I’d comment more on this story, but I’m still waiting on a team of experts to finish drawing out a full family tree of this family so I can know what the hell is going on.

Mariah Carey Is The Most Expensive Crazy Person Ever

American Idol is paying Mariah 18 million dollars to be a judge on the show next year. A bit of not-at-all-shocking insider knowledge from someone who works in Hollywood: Mariah is a pain in the ass to work with. Everyone who has ever been on a set with her has horror stories of what a demanding, unstable, egomaniacal diva she is. Maybe Fox is hoping that $18 mil is worth it if enough people tune in to watch a has-been go crazy and melt down on live TV. But if we wanted to do that, we’d just watch Britney Spears on X-Factor.

Zing!

Christian Bale Is a Real-Life Superhero

Real moment here for a second. Everyone was shocked, devastated, and horrified by the shooting in Aurora, Colorado which killed 12 people and injured at least 50 more during a midnight premiere of The Dark Knight Rises. But in a moment that reaffirms the idea that humanity is good, Christian Bale—Batman himself—flew to Colorado to visit with victims of the shooting. Bale didn’t tell anyone he was coming, and even took steps to make sure no media knew he was there. For victims whose worlds were shattered during a movie about a superhero, I can only imagine how touching it was that their hero showed up in person to commiserate and offer support. Christian Bale has done some inconsiderate and hot-headed things in the past. But this week, he showed us all that he is a compassionate man who cares for his fans.

Lady Gaga Is Going to Be in a Movie

Apparently Robert Rodriguez is making another movie called Machete Kills in which Gaga will be acting in the role of La Chameleon. Judging by the promotional still, it looks like Gaga is realllllly showing her range—she’s a sex object with weird accessories. The movie co-stars Charlie Sheen as the President of the United States, which should tell you how seriously to take this news.

          

The World Lost George Jefferson

The Jeffersons has its place in TV history cemented. Sherman Hemsley will be missed. We’ll remember you, Sherman, every time we hear “Movin’ on Up.”

Ron Howard Reminded Us Arrested Development Is Going To Be Awesome

After years of absence, Arrested Development is back in production. Ron Howard tweeted a picture of a digital copy of his script, and fans everywhere are now wishing they knew how to hack his iPad. But just like there’s always money in the banana stand, we’re pretty sure there’s no way a new slate of Arrested episodes won’t be funny.