It’s Time For Shark Week

I do not want to diss Shark Week. I want to be clear about that. But at this point, is there really any new ground to cover? Sharks are terrifying. They are the most badass creatures on this planet, and they will mess you up if you’re caught swimming in their territory. Does a whole week of cable need to be devoted to how menacing this monsters are?

With that said, I’ll be watching every second of Shark Week on Discovery starting August 12. Check your local listings. (I’ve always wanted to say that.)

Randy Travis Got Arrested – Naked

Whatever. Fred Willard was arrested with his manhood exposed a couple weeks ago, and you’d already forgotten that, right? And Willard is WAY more relevant than Randy Travis.

Anyway, Randy was drunk, and when he got arrested for DWI, he was stark naked. People in Texas love Randy so much they showed up at the jailhouse to give him their clothes and save him the embarrassment—although maybe a few of them just wanted to see if he really was Too Gone AND Too Long.*

Hey, remember when Randy Travis made an appearance on “Hey Arnold” as the country singer Travis Randy?

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPKC6EcDwxI’]

* “Too Gone Too Long” is a Randy Travis song from 1987. I don’t blame you for not knowing what it was. I had to Wikipedia him to look for penis puns anyway.

Arrested Development is in Production

The show started shooting this week. If you don’t know how important that is to humanity, go away and never come back. You’re dead to me.

On the other hand, if you can decipher this photo Jason Bateman tweeted from the set, you’re my new hero.

“The Campaign” Premiered

I have something against this movie because its LA premiere last week held up traffic in Hollywood like crazy—my 20 minute commute took an hour and a half. But I’ll still probably see this movie. Because anything with Will Ferrell is guaranteed to be entertaining in that dumb way that allows you to turn off all critical thinking.

“Total Recall” Flopped

Anyone surprised by this? Aside from the lady with three boobs—congratulations, teenagers, you get to see fake mutant boobage!—there’s little about the cult classic original that remains. Which is a shame, because I was really hoping Arnold would make a cameo. I guess now I’ll have to buy a ticket for “Expendables 2.”

The Olympians are celebrities now?

You’re a liar if you claim to have heard of Gabby Douglas, Danell Leyva, Gijs von Hoecke, Ryan Lochte, or any of the other Olympians who have turned themselves into overnight sensations before they ever competed in London. Yet Gabby is famous for her stunning performance and the fact that colleges are begging her to attend, even though she’s only 16. Danell posted semi-nude photos of himself on the internet to try to attract ladies. Gijs von Hoecke was kicked off the Belgian cycling team after being dragged unconscious out of a night club in London. And Ryan Lochte is now America’s favorite douchebag, complete with his agreement to go on “Dancing With the Stars.”

Let me set my TiVo. Just as soon as my eyes stop rolling.