HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE APOCALYPSE

In case you hadn’t heard, there are a few people out there who really and truly believe that we’re all going to die on Friday, December 21^st. And a lot more people who don’t truly believe it but ironically prepare for the end of the world, foretold by the ending of the Mayan calendar.

Maybe you’re preparing for the impending apocalypse, or maybe you just think it’s funny to joke about the end of days. In either case, it’s useful to know how to prepare for what will happen when the world falls apart. Here’s your guide to how to get through the apocalypse. Good luck! If I see you in the fallout, let’s get a beer.

TRANSPORTATION

-Get a car. Preferably one made before 1980, as the mechanical systems on that car will be impervious to an Electro-Magnetic Pulse shock (EMP) that could potentially cripple all computer systems.

-Stock up on gasoline. Usually, though, gasoline is only useable for about a month. Look up where to find chemical stabilizers that will prolong the life of your fuel.

-Head for high, remote ground that can be well-fortified. Since the apolcalypse may involve world-wide flooding, you’re better off in a mountainous cave than in the plains or the coast. Seek high ground near you.

-Make sure the music you bring with you in the car is suitable for the bleak landscape of the post-apocalypse. Yes, you liked bumping to “Gangnam Style” during your morning commute before, but you don’t want that to be the only song you hear for the rest of your life. Plan music accordingly.

 

WATER

-Lots and lots of water. Collect plastic jugs, milk containers, soda cans, and anything that can hold liquids. Human beings need about 100 oz of water per day – plan to have enough water to last you for a few months. You can go awhile without food, but you won’t make it long without fresh water.

-Ration your water carefully, but make sure you stay hydrated regularly – by the time you feel thirsty, you’re already dehydrated.

-But, I mean, c’mon… Bottled water is, like, so bad for the environment. So unless you’re filtering it through a plastics-free filter into an alumnimum water bottle, like… you’re basically ruining earth yourself anyway.

-Those little Mio water flavor things are yummy.

 

FOOD

-Prepare meals ready to eat or non-perishable goods (soup, canned foods, nuts, etc). Make sure you do not carry raw meat, as it may attrack zombies/mutated bears/other Hunger Games contestants to your camp.

-You may have to take up hunting to survive. Forge a bow & arrow or spear as a quiet weapon that will allow you to attack from a safe distance.

-If all else fails, self-cannibalization is always an option. Eating your own pinky can work in a pinch – you won’t really need it anyway, right?

-Rest In Peace, Twinkies. You were supposed to get us through this.

 

FIRST AID

-Any bandages, clean cloth material, sterilizing liquid, or medicine you can scavenge will be indespensible in the post-apocalypse. Even rubbing alcohol or generic antibiotics can save your life in the fallout.

-If wounded, avoid infection by laying low, drinking extra fluids, and resting.

-Pack the Mickey Mouse band-aids instead of the Hello Kitty ones in your medicine cabinet. It’s the end of the world, sure, but you don’t want to look stupid.

 

WEAPONRY

-While no one wants to think about the need to defend themselves, the coming apocalypse will bring challenges against which we must arm ourselves. Plan ahead and familiarize yourself with forms of defense.

-Machetes and swords are effective for one-on-one combat, and will prove useful for the first time in hundreds of years.

-Don’t underestimate the power of a paintball gun. At the very least, it’ll be fun.

 

REPOPULATING THE EARTH

-If that is your first priority, give up. We don’t need your progeny.

-That said, I call first dibs on choosing breeding partners.

 

MISC

-There’s power in numbers. If you’re part of a band of survivors, great. But the laws of TV tell us that only the pretty ones will survive (think Lost, Walking Dead, etc).

-Don’t believe any other survivors’ reports that there’s maybe a safe haven out at the coast. Those are just post-apocalyptic hipsters trying to get you to move to New York or LA because it’s trendy.

-If you’re packing books to entertain yourself, I recommend classic literature. That’s the stuff we want to survive; I don’t want the newly recreated earth to just have Twilight as their record of our world.

-Pack toilet paper. Think about it.