Let me start by stating this for the record: J.J. Abrams is a fantastic choice to direct Star Wars VII. I know, it’s “old” news by now, but come on. Freaking J.J. Abrams! Directing a script written by an Oscar winner, supervised by Lawrence Kasdan (the guy who wrote Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi)! How is this NOT the only pop culture happening that matters?!

Because it happened five days ago, and wonton crowds of shameful hooligans have already begun droning, “Ugh. Move oonn already! Star Wars, Shmar Shmwars!”  Well, luckily for you, vermin, there’s pop culture freshness to be had.

Television

First and foremost: the last 30 Rock episode aired this Thursday. Bllleeeerrrgggg. Take a moment of silence to reflect upon Werewolf Bar Mitzvah‘s, Reaganing, EGOT’s and wanting to go to there. It’s time on television was smart, goofy and well deserved.

Speaking of endings, the NINTH season of How I Met Your Mother will officially be the show’s last. FINALLY. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; HIMYM used to be a really good show, but this story has been limping for about three seasons too long, and it’s time to give this mother her send-off.

In less depressing TV news, Breaking Bad is about to remind you even more of Malcolm in the Middle. Jane Kaczmarek, former TV wife of Bryan Cranston, is set to guest star in one of the final Breaking Bad episodes. It is yet to be determined whether or not the scenes are shot for DVD extras or to be aired on the show, but either way, Hank seems happy.

Do you ever stop and wonder what a horrible, child-actor destroying machine Disney must be? Lohan, Cyrus, Spears.  Doth their fury know no bounds?  Let’s hope so, because the daughter of Cory and Topanga has just been cast for Disney’s new series, Girl Meets World.  Oh, Rowan Blanchard.  Sweet, innocent Rowan Blanchard.  Cherish these days, as we did once with your fictional parents. We will pray for you, child.

Last but certainly not least, HBO’s stellar Game of Thrones has begun its Season 3 hyping with a TON of photos and a few behind-the-scenes looksies.  Check out our first look at the King Beyond the Wall, the Queen of Thorns, and the Unsullied here, and the videos here.

Movies

If you didn’t guess it from the (WARNING – RED BAND) trailer, the Evil Dead remake has nabbed an NC-17 rating by the MPAA.  The footage seen is wretchedly disturbing, but the promise of a Bruce Campbell cameo is so, SO hard to pass up…

Oh wait. I forgot about the tree rape scene. Don’t see this movie if you treasure happiness.

SPEAKING OF…in no way shape or form, X-Men Days of Future Past, the sort-of sequel to X-Men First Class, is going to feature cast members from every X-Men movie to date. Anna Paquin (Rogue), Ellen Page (Kitty Pryde), and Shawn Ashmore (Iceman) were all confirmed this week, adding to an insane roster of characters for one head-trip of a movie. It’s going to be a helluva ride.

With the Oscars right around the corner, Disney has released their nominated short, Paperman, for free on youtube here. The groundbreaking achievement in animation was posted only a three days ago (as of this posting), and it’s already up to 3,249,172 views. The next time you have six minutes of free-time (after reading this rest of this article, of course), treat yourself to a pleasant example of why shorts are still worthy of recognition.

 

Music

After Beyonce lip-synced the national anthem on Inauguration Day, every grumbling Gary let slip that fact that she’s a phenomenal singer. So, to remind us, Beyonce sang the national anthem again, this time live for a Super Bowl press conference. Mic? Dropped…metaphorically.

If that weren’t enough, B (can I call her that?) let loose some half-time show hype videos to solidify her rank as an unquestionable force in music. WE’RE SORRY, okay? We just made it a big deal because we’re jealous of your talent, obviously.

In other comeback news, the Lonely Island came back to SNL last Saturday to release their new song, YOLO, a cautionary tale. Enough said.  Watch.  After all, you only live…nope. It’s dead.

Games

In the wake of more and more US politicians scapegoating gun violence to them flashy Mario shoot-’em-ups, Rockstar offered up a release date for Grand Theft Auto V.  Whether it’s ironically timely or shamefully disrespectful, it doesn’t matter. The game will once again rock store shelves and game awards, as is in classic Rockstar tradition.  Look for it September 17, 2013.

But a new GTA is not the future of video games. Nay, dear reader, for Sony has made the first move of the next generation.

Following the links to simultaneous Twitter and Facebook messages urging you to “See the future,” gaming enthusiasts were directed to a mysterious website with only a teaser video, a date and a time (see below). Clearly, after close to a decade of current generation consoles, the PlayStation 4 will finally be announced.

 

Whatever, Sony. Have your fun. I’m waiting for the new Xbox anyway.

Shmar Shmwars, indeed.