The original title for this article was “Things Justin Bieber Could do in Retirement that don’t Involve Substance Abuse or Violence or General Douchey-ness” but that was too long so we shortened it.

Ahh the Biebs. How the mighty have fallen. Even that may be a bit generous, as it implies that Justin Bieber, Pied Piper of Tweens, was once “mighty.” Regardless, the guy has clearly hit a rough patch. Let us not criticize (too much); let us not revel in our schadenfreude (kidding, that’s totally what we’re doing here); let us not break him down, but instead offer help. Let us take this opportunity to offer Justin advice as to what he might do with the rest of his life; guide him down the road of self-discovery, past the pit-stops of needy teen angst, and toward a life that is productive, well-meaning, and for the most-part not the object of deep and abiding resentment for the rest of the world. Let us help this lost soul find meaning in the vast and burdensome existential dilemma that is one’s late teens and early twenties.

So what should Justin Bieber do in retirement? These are the 10 best things things I could come up with. Feel free to add your own in the comments! But be nice. We are being nice to the Biebs. Kind of.

1. Life Coach

You know how they say, “Those who can’t do, teach”? Maybe the responsibility of helping other people be successful in life would force Bieber into some self-reflection and help him realize his full potential and … BWAHHAHA Sorry guys. I tried. Couldn’t keep a straight face. Also that saying is ridiculous, teachers are amazing and they deserve everything.

Okay, but seriously…

2. Netflix User-End Curatorial Specialist

Me to the Bliebs: “Seriously bro, just chill out. Watch some T.V. It’s okay to not go to the club every night. No one will judge you for taking a little Justin time. Channel the impulse to be an entitled jerk through the hilarious crew on Don’t Trust the B*tch in Apt. 23, making note of the delightful niche that fellow teen heartthrob James Van Der Beek has carved out for himself. Catch up on Parks and Rec. That show is brilliant.”

3. Cake Decorator

This is a great option because it is a skill that requires patience, focus, and a steady hand. Justin needs to set himself to just that sort of task. Plus if he eats a lot of the baked goods he decorates, he will likely gain some weight and, with any luck, a bit of acne. Although society should not judge people for these superficial things, the reality is that we do; perhaps without his looks he might try a bit harder to get his personality up to snuff.

(Image from the fantastic cakewrecks.com)

4. Miley Cyrus Impersonator

Because this:

5. Reversed Hannah Montana

If Bieber finds that the crowds are not receptive to his Mileybird impersonation, maybe he could star in something of a reversed version of Hannah Montana, a Disney show about a kind, gentle, morally-upstanding young farmhand with fledgling vocal talents. I have even come up with a name: Bronson Wisconsin. Obviously, it takes place on a small family-owned cheese farm. Miley also had this advice for Justin, and I have to say I agree with her. Miley, for all her internet dragon-poking, seems to be healthy and at least have her shit together.

6. Macramé Artist

Because his own “art” is clearly just a cry for help. And yes, macramé is a real thing that people do. I don’t want to encourage the Biebs to get anywhere near spray cans but macramé is far enough on the fringes (get it?) of what we can define as “art” that I feel comfortable letting Bieber dive in and tie some knots.

7. Help out fellow former teen-pop-idol Vanilla Ice with his home restoration project

This one is particularly ideal, because being that it is on tv, we would get to watch. Plus, we would all get to pacify that secret, restless place in our heart we have for Vanilla Ice that has been for so long left lonely. Vanilla Ice has already offered him the job!

8. Juicing Enthusiast

Because nobody hates a juicing enthusiast. They’re healthy, chipper, enthusiastic, and constantly making amazing juices to share with you. Bieber would be a great juicing enthusiast.

9. Deadliest Catch Apprentice

Bieber could stand to put in some time doing an honest day’s work on the high-seas. These guys are tough as nails and will tell him to his face that his hats look ridiculous. The harsh arctic winds and stress of simply staying alive will have that baby face grizzled and brooding in no time.

10. Hospital Neo-Natal Ward Attendant

And finally, I suggest that Bieber could be a fantastic Neo-Natal Ward Attendant, because despite the epic responsibility of not dropping or neglecting adorable tiny babies (which could in theory be good for him) he might just be perfect for this position because…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKroW48zobI