It’s been said that all substances lower the quality of your writing, but heighten your opinion of it. If that’s the case, by the time I finish this article, I’ll swear it’s my magnum opus.

Not from anything illegal, mind you, but from that most auspicious of beverages: beer. That’s what you get when PorchDrinking.com founder Tristan Chan shows up in your city and hops from brewery to brewery with you in tow. It’s when you get to taste brews named “Clown Tears,” “Quaff on Hare Trigger” and “Kono Koko” while sharing conversations and laughs with a group of people you just met. But I can’t think of a better way to end my PorchDrinking hiatus than with a night like that.

So willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome. C’mon in. It’s time for your pop culture week in review.

We’ll start things off this week with the tragic news you’ve all been hearing about…J.K. Rowling regrets Ron and Hermione’s relationship. I KNOW, RIGHT? Rowling is quickly becoming the George Lucas of books. It’s only a matter of time before she goes back and ruins her series with awful prequels that fail to live up to any semblance of the magic she once captured. What’s next, J.K.? WHAT NEXT WILL YOU TAKE FROM US?

In a soon-to-be-published interview with none other than Emma Watson herself, Rowling said, “I wrote the Hermione/Ron relationship as a form of wish fulfillment. That’s how it was conceived, really. For reasons that have very little to do with literature and far more to do with me clinging to the plot as I first imagined it, Hermione ended up with Ron.” Rowling goes on to suggest that Harry and Hermione would have been a more suitable relationship. Camera crews caught up with Daniel Radcliffe, and upon learning that he missed out on snogging with Emma Watson for all those years, he gave a single reaction:

 

Poor, poor Daniel. Anyway. Accio superhero news!

While Jesse Eisenberg, aka Lex Luthor, stole the spotlight last week as the latest unusual casting decision by DC, this week, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stepped up to the plate. In an Instagram post, The Rock added #JonStewartCanStillWhupSupermansAss to a picture of himself, post-workout. To those unfamiliar, Jon Stewart is a Green Lantern and member of the Justice League, made famous in the popular Justice League cartoon series a decade ago.

After confirming The Rock is in fact involved in a non-specified DC film, IGN reported the incident. When Johnson caught wind of it, he responded…vaguely.

Do with that what you will. He could be bluffing, he could be stalling or he could be shopping for the role, but no matter the mystery behind his tweets, let’s just keep our fingers crossed for a John Stewart Green Lantern instead of Ryan Reynolds’ joke of a Hal Jordan. The DC movie universe has enough problems as it is.

Next up, this week was the big prizefight between Ken Ham, foremost president of the Creationist Museum, vs Bill Nye, foremost science guy. Their debate, broadcast live across YouTube, was set-up to be the stuff of legend. What we got was the most drawn-out event of the decade. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Billy Nye, but from the 45 minute opening statements, it became clear — the loser of this contest was going to be the audience. Dreadful moderation lead to a back-and-forth of convoluted point vs. longer, more convoluted point, which dragged on for hours.

Thankfully, the debate can be boiled down to one question, “What, if anything, would change your mind?” Bill Nye, as a scientist, said he would change his mind the moment evidence arose supporting creationism. Ken Ham, on the other hand, said nothing would ever change his mind. The end. Regardless of your religion or creed, that, ladies and gentlemen, is the creationism vs. science debate in a nutshell.

Speaking of prizefights, how’s about we move on to something a little MORE depressing? “What?! Prizefights are supposed to be entertaining!” you grumble, wantonly. Alright, fine. Picture the most entertaining, yet equally depressing boxing match you can in 2014. What’s that? You guessed George Zimmerman vs. DMX? Ha! That’s absurd!

And it’s actually happening. Because that’s how society should reconcile the pain, confusion and complication of race relations in America. With a celebrity boxing match.

Here, go ahead and wash that taste out of your mouth with a little bit of Seth MacFarlane. In his latest film, MacFarlane teams up with Charlize Theron, Amanda Seyfried, Liam Neeson, Neil Patrick Harris and Sarah Silverman to deliver A Million Ways To Die In The West. No, it probably won’t top Blazing Saddles or even Shanghai Noon when it comes to Western comedies, but dag-nabbit, we’ll all watch it anyway.

In even more comedic news, Clay Aiken decided to run for Congress.

Now, I shouldn’t be too harsh. It’s commendable that Mr. Aiken cares about his community and recognizes the glaring failures of our current congressional members. The American Idol runner-up believes his 2003 loss to Ruben Studdard won’t impact the legitimacy of his election, though he may yet want to feel invisible after the GOP gets ahold of him. Either way, you’ll forget all about it when you binge watch House of Cards next week, which has just been renewed for a third season.

Whew, a lot happened this week. The NFL season fizzled out with the worst Superbowl game in ages. The Olympic hype grew as Sochi’s reputation fell. The incredible Phillip Seymour Hoffman died from a drug overdose.

It’s a muddled, mixed-up world. But we’ll cheers to it all the same. Here’s to more pop culture, pontification and PorchDrinking.com.