Spring must certainly be in the air, because this week two companies did that sexy dance and got together, toasting a fresh start with pop culture hormones abounding.

Then again, it must still be winter, because celebrities ended their copulations, shutting the door on a bitter, lifeless wasteland.

It must be the middle of March, because everything is bizarro, nobody really knows what to expect and Madness is the go-to event that’s swallowed us all. But let’s throw a -palooza anyway! A TRAILERPALOOZAAAAAAA!

Before we get to the succulent trailers awaiting your ravenous consumption, I’ll lay down a quick snapshot into anything else you might need to know about this week.

Of the various happenings, two provided us with an excellent litmus test for the type of pop culture junkie you might be. One simply had to scroll up their Twitter feed and see which story was more prominent:

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and Se7en wife Pepper Pots are Splitting Up

 

Facebook Buys Oculus VR For $2 Billion

For those of you who need a refresher:

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were married for awhile.  Now they’re getting a divorce. That’s it. They’re two human beings who are allowed to make adult decisions. If you want more than that, scroll through any tabloid and have at thee.

Oculus VR was a Virtual Reality company that’s been making waves in the video gaming world. This Kickstarter backed company almost perfected virtual reality for the HD era, to the point where you could walk through Skyrim like you lived there. This week, they officially sold out. Who knows what horrors Facebook will conjure with this sort of power…

Also, A Game of Thrones writer George R.R. Martin has finally released another chapter of The Winds of Winter, book six in his acclaimed series. Spoiler alert: show-only fans probably shouldn’t click that link.

 

AND THAT’S IT. Nothing else matters, because it’s time for TRAILERPALOOZA!

 

TRAILERPALOOZA

For some reason, a bunch of new trailers decided to drop this week. Because, you know, trailers are sentient and get to decide such things.

The first two are just re-imaged, or “Trailer 2’s,” if you will. This first, from the Wachowski siblings, is better than it’s initial teaser:

 

The second gives way too much of the plot away (seriously, watch this one instead).

 

Next up is a red band trailer featuring two of Fox’s favorite roommates.

 

Then Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson going from zero to hero.

Followed by HOLY MOTHER OF BUNGA-ING COWS. WHAT. I. WHAT?

So like I said, it’s a trailer for Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’ve written (at length) about how this is going to be the most crushing wound to our childhood memories since, well, literally anything Michael Bay has touched. But that trailer...Somebody please comment and tell me what to think. This isn’t sarcastic. I genuinely do not know what to think after watching it over and over. As an enormous fan of the original movies (TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze especially), it feels like Michael Bay is on the precipice of either handing me a puppy, or throwing that puppy off a cliff while I helplessly watch.

Speaking of harrowing emotional situations, take at look at the most touching video game trailer ever made. You thought Dead Island’s trailer was a tearjerker? THINK AGAIN.

Game of the Year: 2014

Fin.