Ultimate 6er | Making A Murderer
Making A Murderer mania – it’s sweeping the nation. Despite being released almost two months ago, the American public is still clamoring for anything and everything regarding the case. My Facebook feed is filled with articles reviewing the facts, and two new specials, Dateline on NBC and Steven Avery: Innocent or Guilty on Investigation Discovery, aired this past weekend. So to add to the fervor, I bring you a Making A Murderer Ultimate 6er, filled with beers from The Badger State representing some of the biggest players in the series.
Steven Avery
Winter Is Coming | Sweet Mullets Brewery
Oconomowoc, WI
I’m sorry, but with a name like Sweet Mullets, I had to. I can’t recall if Steven Avery ever actually had a mullet, but there were definitely members of his family who did. And you have to admit, he did have some pretty sweet hair going on there. Also, I swear that line from Game of Thrones must be running through Wisconsin peoples’ minds year-round. It seemed like every other scene was shot in the snow. Not only that, but I think metaphorically it really applies to Avery’s life. His first stint in prison was a dark period (winter), and then something good happened, he was released (summer). Now winter has come again and this 5.8% ABV black hopped IPA is here to prove it. Oh and Oconomowoc kind of rhymes with Manitowoc.
Brendan Dassey
Pabst Blue Ribbon | Pabst Brewing
Milwaukee, WI
Poor, poor Brendan. You can’t help but feel sorry for the kid. How they could prosecute someone whose IQ is so low he didn’t even realize he’d confessed to murder is beyond me. And let’s be real, that was a coerced confession if I ever saw one. Did you see his face during trial? It was blank. No offense to him, but there’s clearly not much going on up there, and that’s precisely why I chose Pabst Blue Ribbon. At 4.74%, this American-style lager is, in my opinion, just one step above (enter mainstream light beer here), and has the least substance of any beer on this list. Not only that, but while Pabst Blue Ribbon may now be the beer of choice for the hipster crowd, in 1973 country singer Johnny Russell’s “Rednecks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer” became a top-five hit. Even as recently as 2011, South Park implied that PBR was a “white trash beer,” and unfortunately I think the Avery family fits that stereotype.
Len Kachinsky
Shakedown IPA | Fox River Brewing Company
Appleton, WI
Len Kachinsky, Brendan’s snake of a defense attorney who wanted him to plead guilty. Seriously? Your job is to DEFEND, not use your private investigator to force yet another confession out of your client to help the prosecution win their case. I honestly could not believe what I was watching. And then when the judge denied his request for a new attorney…WTF!? So for Len I chose Shakedown IPA. The definition of shakedown is, “a radical change or restructuring,” and that is exactly what needed to happen. Thank goodness it finally did! And guess what? Len’s law firm is only a 12-minute drive away!
Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department
Amnesia | Grumpy Troll Brew Pub
Mount Horeb, WI
I couldn’t pick just one of the creeps from the Manitowoc County Sherriff’s Department, so this Baltic Porter is for them all, a bunch of grumpy trolls who appear to have amnesia. Or at least pretend they do. They’re upset about the deposition resulting from Avery’s wrongful conviction, Colburn can’t recall with certainty how he came to possess Theresa’s license plate number, Lenk “forgot” to sign the Avery property log, the list goes on and on. At 8.2% ABV and 50 IBUs, this beer is nefarious and bitter, just like them.
Ken Kratz
Mercy | Ale Asylum
Madison, WI
Although merciful is the antonym of whatever Ken Kratz is, I couldn’t help but choose this beer for him. I mean, the brewery is located on Pankratz Street. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is. In all seriousness though, I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more. I’m pretty sure every time he came on screen, I yelled “fuck you” at the television. And don’t even get me started on his whiny, high pitched voice. It’s the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard; it makes me cringe. Mercy is a hard-hitting, 10% ABV, Belgian-style Grand Cru, which makes it perfect for Kratz. Plus it’s dark, like Kratz’s cold, soulless heart.
Dean Strang & Jerry Buting
Spotted Cow | New Glarus Brewing
New Glarus, WI
Spotted Cow is one of my favorite beers, so it’s only fair it goes to this dream team. Much like Dean and Jerry, this farmhouse ale is a bright spot in the otherwise abysmal state that is Wisconsin. Sorry Cheeseheads, but this documentary didn’t do you any favors. If you’ve seen the show, you know these two speak for themselves.
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