I don’t know about you guys, but I am fucking PUMPED for the Olympics. As with Eurovision and World Cup, I love any event where countries compete against each other without (much) bloodshed. As a boy from the frigid north, the Winter Olympics are my favorite and I think a ton more fun to watch. I’ve been prepping for PyeongChang in my own way; I’ve dusted off my skis (but not GS suit) and racing in a beer league. I’ve been getting blasted for making criticizing figure skaters (I am in the right. I will die on this hill.) and most importantly, I’ve been making some rules for us all to watch the biennial awkwardness of NBC trying to milk four hours of TV out of people walking in silly outfits across the stage.

I mock it, but the opening ceremonies are very important for the simple fact that the majority of the viewers have absolutely no idea what is going on in these sports. Once every four years, athletes who are not making millions of dollars, finally get a moment to shine and the opening ceremonies let us know the lay of the land. They also give the host country a chance to force other nations to sit and acknowledge their specific history and culture. It’s never a bad thing to get a quick primer on the world.

If you have the time and connections, it might be fun to play with game with the Gold, Silver and Bronze Great American Beer Festival medal winners of your favorite beer style (maybe not the Old/Strong, we want you alive). Otherwise, think of it as a sip for Bronze, drink for Silver, and a glug for Gold.

 

Bronze Medal

Drink if…

• Announcers comment that a certain nation does not typically have cold weather or a lot of snow
• There’s any mention of an athlete who failed to qualify.
• Announcers mention that a Tonga athlete has to wear clothes this time (unless he’s shirtless again, then drink each time the individual announcer mentions it.
• An athlete is wearing something that makes a statement in support for some political cause or medical issue.
• An athlete has made 3+ Olympic appearances, then stop to reflect on the personal achievements you’ve made that has occurred in the past 12 years. Ex: purchasing hand towels dedicated to your guest bathroom.
• Someone makes a doping reference about snowboarding.
• Athlete is the first “x” to ever compete or win in their sport.
• Trump tweets something that crosses the line between National pride and Shitty on other nation during event.
• Someone in the room quotes Cool Runnings while bobsled is being shown.
• Athlete cries on the podium.
• Brand name is mentioned (not including commercials)
• Announcer makes reference that implies snowboarders are generally all potheads.
• Mike Tirico gets the same eye infection as Bob Costas.
• Leslie Jones screams on air.

Silver Medal

Drink if…

• Announcer makes comment about female athlete’s physical beauty then add that announcer to the list of next potential harassment suits.
• The camera cuts to the social feed from one of the entering athlete’s cameras.
• Anytime someone near you claims “that’s not a sport” about one of the sports (ice dancing, biathalon, curling)
• An athlete is related or married to another Olympic athlete.
• An athlete has only been in their sport for less than 1 year.
• If an older family member asks you to explain K-Pop to them
• One drink for each of the “coaches” from the North Korea team who is clearly an agent there to ensure they don’t defect.
• A curling team is wearing crazy pants.
• An announcer messes up the name of a foreign athlete.
• Athlete’s inspiring story of overcoming adversity or family hardship is mentioned.
• Non-skiing or Snowboarding Athlete is competing in more than 2 events.
• Announcers mention the new “fan-base” US men’s bobsled has gotten after this official pic hit Twitter.
• Dale Earnhardt Jr. manages to get through an entire broadcast without making a NASCAR reference or analogy.

Gold Medal

Drink if…

• An announcer fucks up and says Pyongyang instead of PyeongChang
• An athlete is directly competing with or against family member (This is actually common. I can think of three U.S. families off the top of my head on US team alone).
• An athlete is under 18.
• An athlete is over 40, while thinking about how you skipped the gym this week.
• Anyone mentions the hideous Ugly Christmas Sweater collection from 2014 Olympics.
• Picabo Street Honorary Award for non-traditional naming: Drink if they mention Breezy Johnson.
• Announcers mess up American Athlete’s name.
• Bermuda rocks shorts.
• Skiing or Snowboarding Athlete is competing in more than three events
• Someone is clearly a scammer (ie. the Staten Island Dominica team of 2004)
• Special Drink for Carolina Kostner of Italy because she encompasses a billion of the rules(child/cousin/ Olympians, 3+ Olympics, overcame adversity when she was suspended for helping her Olympic speed-walking ex avoid doping committee).
• Matt Hamilton’s legit mustache is on camera.
• Katie Couric channels Bob Costas in acting overly smug when shown on camera.

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