Hard to believe it’s already the holiday season. Whatever fucked up wormhole we got sucked into at the beginning of 2020 has wiped the concept of night and day from the malfunctioning hard drive that is our collective minds. But who doesn’t love the holidays?

Like a lot of people, my wife put up the Christmas tree a “little” earlier than normal this year. Without the decorations, you might’ve been able to convince me it was still September. I would have at least had to double-check my calendar. But, I think we’re all in the same boat with a much looser interpretation of time and space these days. And yet, it’s holiday time, which begs for holiday content. So here’s a very special Ultimate 6er: Quarantine Holiday Edition.

 

Light Hearted Ale | Bell’s Brewery

Because We’re Trying on Regular Pants…

You know what? Fuck pants. Who really needs jeans anymore? No one said anything when we wore yoga pants and gym shorts all summer. I doubt anyone is going to say anything when we wear pajama pants all winter. It might not hurt to throw a pair of jeans/slacks on the ol’ Christmas list just in case —  you know, special events and whatnot. If you’re really determined to fit into your pre-quarantine pants, though, plan B would be to exercise a bit and drink some lower-calorie beer, like Light Hearted Ale from Bell’s Brewery. With year-round availability, Light Hearted Ale is a perfect counter to all the nothing a lot of us have been doing for months. It’s also a good way to keep the calorie count under control with all that holiday food that we’ll be cooking for ourselves.

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Mexican Chocolate Yeti (in a Yeti Coffee Mug, with a Shot of Yeti Whiskey) |Great Divide Brewing Co.

Because We’re Making a New Holiday Zoom Background…

I’m sure we’ve all had our fill of Zoom meetings this year, but it can still be fun! Instead of using static images or Zoom’s stock video loops for your background, make your own. Now that you’ve decorated for the holidays, you can record a holiday-themed video loop to run in the background while you’re on a call:

1. Dress up like a deranged elf.
2. Set up your laptop where you normally take your Zoom calls.
3. Start recording video using your laptop camera. Wait about 10-20 seconds completely off camera to get some “static” room footage.
4. After about 20 seconds, wander in and out of frame; record yourself walking around aimlessly, occasionally looking creepily into the camera.
5. Save this file to your desktop when done.
6. On your next Zoom call/meeting, choose this file as your “Virtual Background.”

When you first start the Zoom meeting, it will look like you’re in your usual spot with nothing out of the ordinary going on. And then after a few seconds, people will start to notice your deranged, elfin evil twin roaming around in the background. It’ll be hugely distracting to everyone else on the Zoom meeting, but definitely worth the reaction.

Another Zoom pro tip I’m sure we’ve all learned by now is that dark beer looks just like coffee when you put it in a mug. Great Divide’s renowned Yeti series offers a full lineup of dark, delicious beers to sub for coffee during those extra long, boring meetings. Any Yeti you choose is a great option on its own, of course, but I’ve also taken to occasionally adding a shot of Bear Creek Distillery‘s Yeti Whiskey (whiskey that’s been aged in Great Divide Yeti barrels) to my “coffee” to help pass the time more “festively.”

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Literally Any Craft Beer on Tap | Literally Any Place But My House

Because We’re Living Vicariously Through Our Past Selves…

This time of year, social media really loves to remind us all of what we were doing one, two, three or more years ago, doesn’t it? The 2019 versions of us really had it all: Restaurant reservations. Concerts. Beer festivals. Licking random parking meters. Open-mouth kissing mannequins at will. At this point in 2020, any craft beer in any location that’s not at home feels like a vacation. Fortunately in the west part of Denver we’ve got a crazy amount of good beer to choose from, whether that’s near-perennial GABF-winner Cannonball Creek, brand-new(ish) LUKI, music-loving Over Yonder, Arvada staple New Image or the maestros over at 4 Noses (and a whole lot of other breweries not listed here).

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Nightmare Fuel | River North Brewery

Because We’re Watching the Doorbell Camera and Waiting Until the Delivery Driver is Completely Gone Before Opening the Door…

If you’re like me, you refuse to open the door for any reason until you’re 100% sure the coast is clear. Thank god for doorbell cameras. Maybe you couldn’t find your “good” t-shirt today. Maybe your socks are mismatched. Maybe you haven’t gotten around to putting pants on yet. Anyway, while you’re waiting for your precious gift and food deliveries, you’ll need a beer. Even if you’re waiting on a beer delivery, you should have a beer-in-hand while you wait. Pre-COVID, a lot of people had social anxiety and trouble connecting with others. In December of 2020, even the most social of us have have devolved to a point where the most basic of human interactions are nightmare fuel.

River North’s Nightmare Fuel is not only an apropos title for 2020’s events, but it’s a perfect quarantine beer for morning, afternoon, or evening — helpful for those days when you just really have no idea what’s going on or what time it is. The coffee and its accompanying aromas perk you up early in the day, but the 12.9% ABV makes the brew equally suited for snuggling up under a warm blanket, ordering some take-out and saying “to hell with it.”

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A Can of Dale’s Pale Ale From the Far Back of My Fridge | Oskar Blues Brewery

Because We’re Cancelling Family Holiday Plans We Had No Intention on Keeping Anyway…

As John Mulaney quips, “in terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin. It is an amazing feeling. Such instant joy.”

While many people have opted to travel for the holidays, a lot of other people rearranged their holiday plans completely to stay safer at home. If you hate holiday gatherings, this year you’ve finally got a 100% guilt-free out! “I just don’t feel safe being in a room with a lot of people right now,” you might say, with a forced twinge of sadness in your voice.

Still, it’s true that there are people who actually miss their families. If I’m being honest it makes me a little sad too. Not having to see the WHOLE family is great, but there are a few people that will really be missed.

To punish myself for taking genuine joy in cancelling all of my holiday plans, I volunteer as tribute to drink the can of Dale’s Pale Ale that’s been hiding in my refrigerator for a full calendar year. Dale’s is a fantastic, staple craft beer — one of the most revered, solid brews available. It’s just better when it’s not a year old and stuck to a congealed puddle of musquirt behind an expired jar of pickle juice.

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Childhood Memories Winter Warmer | Over Yonder Brewing Co. 

Because We’re Playing Tetris on Gameboy…

 

Alright let’s wrap it up on a sweet note. A few years ago when I was having a rough time, my wife got me one of my favorite childhood toys for Christmas — an original Gameboy. It came complete with Dr. Mario and Tetris. Childhood memories are strong; when you fire up the Gameboy and hear that digital Korobeiniki start playing (that’s the name of the Tetris song), it takes you right back to simpler times — when there was happiness, somehow, even without beer.

So what beer could be more perfect to go with this than the return of Childhood Memories, Over Yonder Brewing Company’s popular Winter Warmer? With citrus peel, fresh ginger, locally sourced honey and spices, this 7.8% stunner is a perfect way to spend even more time indoors, looking out the window at the snow and dreaming of better days ahead.

Don’t Forget to Shop Local

As you’re likely very aware, breweries and other establishments are going to struggle this winter. I thought about the breweries I’d be most sad about losing, and picked a few to highlight in this article. There are too many to mention and too many to visit in a short period of time, but keep supporting your local favorites as much as you possibly can right now. Buy beer. Be safe. Throw away your pants. Be well.

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