Being a grinch has lost a little bit of its punch over the last couple of years. There’s so much to hate year-round that a good old-fashioned holiday hate-fest doesn’t seem super relevant. When you’ve got people screaming at flight attendants and beer workers, a representative government that doesn’t give a sh*t about the people it represents and the hottest new viral mutation running rampant, it seems trite to write a holiday hate piece.

And yet, here we are.

Here are six more reasons to absolutely hate the holidays this season, and six perfect beers to take the edge off while you find another stupid hiding spot for your Elf on a Shelf.

Tröegs Independent Brewing | Mad Elf Ale

Because there are only so many places to put an Elf on the F*cking Shelf in a one-bedroom apartment…

Elf-on-a-Shelf is a cute game when you have kids. It’s less cute when your drunk night self is hiding the elf from your hungover morning self in a one-bedroom apartment. Should the elf go next to the half-eaten yogurt in the fridge? Or maybe you can tie its legs around the ceiling fan for the third time. We’re having fun.

Pair this with Mad Elf Ale from Tröegs Independent Brewing — a seasonal release that’s a blend of sweet and tart cherries, honey, chocolate malt, and (as the website says) a hint of mischief.

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Family Business Beer Co. | Cosmic Cowboy

Because the “COVID” excuse isn’t getting you out of family events this year…

I like my family as much as the next guy, probably. I would just rather not see them all at the same time. I also enjoy buying gifts — just not all at once and at great personal sacrifice to all the cool stuff I want. Those Danny DeVito sequin pillows ain’t gonna buy themselves. But this year, thanks to readily available booster shots and mom’s carryover guilt from missing last year, we can all meet up to choke down a Honey Baked Ham with our best fake holiday smile.

Pair this miserable family business with Family Business Beer Co.’s Cosmic Cowboy. This American IPA has ripe pineapple and grapefruit notes floating on a layer of pine. It probably pairs well with whatever hastily thrown-together side dish you bring to dinner.

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Crossroads Brewing Co. | Crossroads Lager

Because R.I.P. Demaryius Thomas… 

We’ll see you at the Crossroads, homie. Pour one out for a true Broncos legend. It doesn’t help lift anyone’s Christmas spirit that one of football’s truly good dudes had to go. No cheeky jabs here. Just sadness.

Crossroads Lager has a golden hue, effervescent carbonation, and has notes of biscuit, honey and some floral notes. American hops are a nice balance to the malt, and along with its reasonable 5.2% ABV, makes it approachable for pretty much any drinker.

 

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Fremont Brewing | B-Bomb Imperial Winter Ale

Because the sound of Mariah Carey’s voice is like getting smashed in the ear with Negan’s baseball bat… 

Really any good, strong barrel-aged beer would do for this. I don’t know Mariah Carey personally. I am sure to some people she’s a lovely person with the voice of an angel. But every time I hear that Christmas song, I get the overwhelming urge to jab at my ear drums with the sharpened point of a candy cane.

B-Bomb is a chocolate-cherry-toffee masterpiece that BBA fans look forward to each year. Like many bourbon barrel-aged beers, it’s a great one to cellar for a couple years. This is assuming you don’t need it right away to drown out the sound of a screeching diva singing the most worn-out excuse of a Christmas song the world’s ever known.

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Odell Brewing Co. | Isolation Ale

Because where’s the snow, Chad?

There’s something really special about when the snow gets heavy — heavy enough that even the biggest Hummer-driving douche of a boss doesn’t pressure you to drive into work. We get it, Chad, your car can get through the snow better than my Ford Pinto. Maybe if you paid me more and took 0.005% less salary, I could afford something fancy, like a used Tercel.

Anyway, on these snow days, we would pick out a movie, crack open a beer, and just let Mother Nature unleash snowy fury unto the land, giving us the excuse we’ve been needing to take a day off without guilt.

Except…now most of us work from home, anyway. And, Denver’s record-breaking snowlessness means people are still wearing shorts in December. We get it Chad, your legs don’t get cold. But we can still have an Isolation Ale in December — as is tradition — and pretend we’re snowbound all the same.

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Silver City Brewery | Old Scrooge Christmas Ale 

Because my favorite Christmas tradition is whining about Christmas…

 

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Did Santa scare me as a child? Probably. Did I get tired of trying to schedule family events that were sub-divided between different sides of multiple blended families? Maybe. Did a girl break up with me over the holidays? Mind your own business.

There is warm comfort in knowing each year I get to come on here and complain about the holidays. And there’s even more warm comfort in a good, strong Christmas beer.

Old Scrooge from Silver City Brewery is a great bottle to add to the cellar. The flavors of apple, cherry and apricot will develop over time in the bottle. This Strong Ale has been awarded 13 medals (6 from GABF), drinks like a wine and comes out just in time every year for the holiday madness.

Hopefully one (or all) of the beers on this list can help you forget about whatever holiday trauma bedevils you — be it bottle-flipping fan boys, obnoxious Chads, Rachel-haircut Karens, rogue Santas, clingy family, money-sucking kids, out-of-touch bosses or the rampant wave of astonishing stupidity that has enveloped our country.

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