We all seem to have finally gotten on the same page about hating Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You”—and nothing has made me happier during these dismal days than a coordinated hatred of the most nauseating song ever written.

We’ve all sort of agreed that holiday shopping sucks as well. Even people who enjoy the holidays admit that shopping is the absolute worst. And yet, we still do it, every single year. Because deep down, I reckon, we’re all a bit self-hating, or maybe we’re masochists. Whatever the reason, holiday shopping sucks. But if you’re going to go through the effort to give and receive gifts, it makes sense to at least avoid giving something that’s going to show up on a list like the one we’re about to show you.

Here are six pretty awful gifts (selected from multiple Reddit threads), and six beers that are possibly good enough to make up for them.

Russian River | Pliny the Elder

“I got a book called ‘Coping with Being Adopted’ from Santa while I was in high school. Was news to me…”

(AngryCyclops)

There are probably worse ways to find out you’re adopted, though not too many worse Christmas gifts to get. At least you’re getting a Christmas gift from your family instead of Oliver Twisting your way through an 1800s English orphanage.

Getting books as a gift is usually a good thing. But even the classics can get old when you’ve read them a few times. That doesn’t change the fact that the classics are classics for a reason, and few craft beers are more “classic” than Pliny the Elder.

 

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West Sixth Brewing Co. | Snakes in a Barrel

“I once got a used copy of the ‘Snakes on a Plane’ soundtrack. Upon later investigation, the disc was cracked. The next year, I received a copy of the movie. I have never expressed interested in SoaP.”

(tarkoon)

Some people are so ungrateful and clearly don’t recognize masterpieces of modern cinema.

If you didn’t like Snakes on a Plane, chances are you’ll still probably enjoy Snakes in a Barrel, one of West Sixth Brewing’s annual barrel-aged releases. Coming in at a nice, firm 13% ABV, the warm vanilla and sweet molasses are a perfect pairing for any movie, reptile-themed or not.

 

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Flying Dog Brewery | Double Dog Double IPA

“A ceramic jar for holding dog treats when I was 15, when we had just given him away. Miss you, Rascal.”

(sulfuricZoologist)

Well no one made you give your dog away. True story—in the span of a weekend I lost a dog (tumor), a grandmother (tumor), a cat (accidentally ran over its head as I parked my truck) and a girlfriend (teenage fuckery). So maybe it’s not so bad, champ. You could lose dogs in many worse ways. Rascal went to a happy home and lived out his best life.

Plus now you have a nice container to stash other things. And as adult you can get a new dog and relax on the couch with him while having a Double Dog IPA from Flying Dog Brewery. A stiff 12% ABV on this full-bodied, balanced, citrus IPA will help you forget about what a real crybaby you’ve been in your life.

 

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Seventh Son Brewing Co. | Mr. Owl

“A bottle of raccoon urine. Not joking. A completely sealed, brand-new bottle of raccoon urine.”

(omfgbrb)

The best thing that came from researching this, is that it turns out you can buy (what they claim to be) real racoon urine on Amazon. That’s right, 100% quality racoon urine for luring racoons into live traps. So let’s ignore the obvious questions of humane animal treatment this brings up and simply focus on the fact somewhere, some poor copywriter had to sit and think of the punchiest way to sell racoon pee.

Perhaps an easier way to get rid of racoons is to live in an area with some great horned owls, who are known to hunt, kill and eat racoons. Let nature do its thing…we don’t really need to get Madison Avenue roped into the racoon pee game, do we?

Anyway, since great horned owls are racoon predators, the beer that makes sense for this pairing is Mr. Owl from Seventh Son Brewing Co. Very much unlike racoon pee, (wow, talk about a review you can use on your website), Mr. Owl is a Double Brown Ale with notes of rich milk chocolate, tropical fruit and orange zest.

 

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Prairie Artisan Ales | Pirate Weekend

“I participated in a voluntary Christmas exchange in 2012 with a $30 limit. My gift was a CD-R of the giver’s favorite album. I was less than enthused, but nonetheless slide the disc into my car to check it out only to find out that it was a blank. The person had written the band name/album title on the disc, but forgot to actually burn the copy.”

(SpaceGhost817)

I mean, to me it sounds like you got a free CD-R and are complaining about it. In 2012, I would’ve burnt the new Grizzly Bear or Sharon Van Etten album off of Pirate Bay and called it a W for the day.

Pirating music isn’t much of a thing today, but pirate beer is running strong—especially the pirate series from Prairie Artisan Ales. A nice lil’ rum-barrel-aged brew made with cacao nibs, coconut and marshmallow, Pirate Weekend is a 13% stunner is perfect for both the eye-patched and non-eye-patched among us.

 

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Other Half Brewing | Snowbirds 6

“Every year my aunt gives our family ‘Thrift Santa’ gifts…from thrift stores. The thing is, nothing relates to anything. The worse I’ve gotten are among a Kama Sutra book when I was 13/14 (awkward), and a New York Yankees baby onesie. I don’t have kids; I don’t watch baseball.”

(Yippee614)

Well, there’s no time like the present to start practicing (baseball or having kids). Although I’m not sure we need to encourage bringing any more Yankees fans into the world. But if your other half is ready to let you take a few swings in the baby-making batter’s box, who are you to complain?

Other Half Brewing in New York knows a thing or two about keeping Yankees fans happy with its lineup limited barrel-aged Stouts, Snowbirds 6. If you missed out on this year’s bottles, Other Half is also shipping out a special release of Triple Drupe and Deep Orbit Galactica Barrel-Aged Stouts to 34 states.

 

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