Oh dear God it’s almost over! After what has felt like an eternity we’ve almost reached the conclusion of this maddening hellscape otherwise known as the 2024 Presidential Election cycle. On the bright side, within less than 24 hours we’ll finally have respite from the barrage of political ads, outlandish celebrity endorsements, and texts from our “friend” Kamala. And while we’ll have to deal with a few more days of anxiety as the results are tallied we thought we’d help make Election Day itself a little more entertaining with a 2024 Election Night Drinking Game.
Early voting numbers in several states have already dwarfed 2020 rates, but the main event culminates on Tuesday, November 5, when millions of Americans will decide the fate of one of the most contentious elections in modern history (DRINK!). After the polls close, there’s nothing one can do but sit back and watch as the results roll in. What better way to enjoy the tallying than with a drink or two… ok, let’s be real: several drinks.
Additionally, please understand this was created for entertainment and comedic purposes. PorchDrinking.com and its staff do not actually support that you fully adhere to the rules listed above as they may end disastrously. Please drink responsibly.
Now without further ado, your 2024 Election Night Drinking Game!
If you’re watching election coverage without rocking an “I Voted” sticker: Take one drink.
If Kentucky is the first state to announce results: Take one sip of bourbon.
Any time the phrase “too close to call” is uttered: Take one drink.
Any time a state is declared for a candidate: Name the state’s capital city or sip the number of electoral votes awarded from the state. (Better brush up on your state capitals before playing along… but really, please drink responsibly)
Any mention of voter fraud: Pretend to take a drink.
Voting Numbers & Analysis
Any mention of exit polling: Project how many drinks you’ll consume tonight, then take one more drink.
When J. Ann Selzer’s surprising Iowa projection is mentioned: Treat yourself with a big barrel-aged Stout or Hazy IPA from Toppling Goliath (located in Decorah, IA)
Any mention of Daniel Dale or fact-checking the candidates: Announce how many drinks you’ve actually consumed thus far, then take another drink.
Any mention of “new voting demographics”: One drink.
Any mention of a surge in youth voter turnout: Work as many Gen Z phrases into your conversation (skibidi, no cap, bussin) while drinking an N/A beverage.
Any mention of a “big dump” overnight in Pennnsylvania: Take a swig then a bathroom break
Any mention of “highest voter turnout since _____”: One drink.
If you hear someone say, “This is the most important/consequential election”: Think carefully about how much you love what you’re drinking and then take a drink.
Any mention of your current Congressperson/Senator/Governor by name: One drink.
Explanation of what “too early to call” / “too close to call” means: One drink.
If a MAGA candidate wins a seat: Finish your drink and share your favorite conspiracy theory.
If a contested Congressional or Senate seat flips: Change seats and take a drink.
If Trump mispronounces Kamala’s name: Take a drink
If Kamala laughs for longer than two seconds: One drink.
If Trump is shown dancing: Hide your kids then make up your own phallic dance and take a drink.
Kamala calls Trump a Nazi or Facist: The host of your watch party gets to dole out drinks to everyone else.
If Trump is shown referring to Kamala as a “socialist or communist”: Divvy up a bottle of liquor and pass out shots to everyone in the room.
If Kamala’s SNL appearance is referenced: Take one dramala of whiskey or pretend you’re a sommala and enjoy a swig of wine, or enjoy a healthy pour of La Fin du Mondela
Anytime Trump hyperbolizes, give a mini-speech about how “you are the greatest, everyone else watching with you is a loser”: One drink.
Anytime Trump or any of this team disparages any specific racial group: Take a drink from their country of origin. (e.g. if Trump says China virus – drink a Tsingtao)
Any time Trump prematurely declares himself the victor: Prematurely finish your beer in less than 10 seconds.
If Trump denies any connections to Project 2025: Feel free to deny having consumed any of the last 20+ drinks you downed.
Any time Trump’s tariffs are brought up: Hand out a drink tax to someone else in the room.
Tim Walz says something with strong Mid-West vibes: Share a hot dish then cue up a power hour with Miller High Life
JD Vance tries to make a joke or says something smarmy: Quickly check to make sure your couches haven’t been defiled then take a drink.
Current Events
Any mention of Ted Cruz’s re-election bid: Lower the temperature in your house to near freezing temps before leaving your watch party without telling anyone. Then head to your nearest Mexican restaurant to take a drink while everyone else freezes.
Any reference to the Dobbs case and overturning of Roe v Wade: All the women in your watch party get to decide how many drinks the men in the group have to take.
Any reference to Tony Hincliffe’s racist joke about Puerto Rico being a “floating island of garbage”, Biden’s reference Republicans as garbage, or a footage of Trump in his garbage vest: Find the worst, skunkiest alcoholic beverage in your collection and take a drink.
If Elon Musk is shown: Akwardly jump 3 inches off the ground and gift one million beers (ok just one beer) to someone else in the party.
Trump talks about building the wall: Shoot some mezcal or tequila and charge your bill to Mexico… it won’t work, but it’s still worth trying.
If Mike Johnson is shown on screen: Take a long swig as you pray to God he certifies the election regardless of the result.
If Obama makes an appearance: Finish your beer, sink the can in the trash, and yell “That’s what I do!”>
Photo courtesy of CNN
Technology
Smartboards are being gratuitously used to illustrate a point for no reason: Get out your crayons and color in your own election map then take a drink.
Technical issues with a reporter in the field: One drink.
Introduction of an unnecessary, pointless piece of technology: One drink.
Anytime you catch yourself also reading the same news from your phone as what’s being discussed on TV: One drink.
If Trump tweets during election coverage: SEND SOMEONE A TEXT IN ALL CAPS AND TAKE A DRINK
Steve Kornacki starts breaking down returns: Roll up your sleeves, pull up your khakis, and drink the nerdiest beer you have (ideally a mixed fermentation sour or spontaneously fermented saison)
More than four pundits are shown sitting at a table together: Take one drink. Tack on one more drink for every extra pundit sitting at that table.
Anytime a completely random, totally unrelated statistic is referenced: Randomly make up the number of drinks to dole out to others in the room.
Pan to a local dining or drinking establishment: One drink.
If they show the results for an uncontested race: One drink.
Any (and all) live coverage of a Trump Rally: Shotgun your beer.
“Breaking news” or “Key race alert” graphic, just to announce that a race is close, not yet called: one drink (max five drinks for the night).
If you can close your eyes and spell (out loud) “Stephanopoulos” correctly, you are allowed to skip a turn.
Geography
“Trump country” mention: One drink.
If your home state is mentioned: One drink.
Results for North Carolina are officially called: Drink a beer from Burial, Sierra Nevada, Highland Brewery, Hi-Wire, or really any other NC-based craft brewery then consider donating to flood relief efforts.
Results for Michigan are officially called: Drink a Bells Oberon or any other craft beer from Michigan excluding Founders
Pundits mention that you should be focusing on a handful of counties: Divyy up your single bottle of beer into beer shots and everyone takes a drink.
Gerrymandering mention: Re-arrange all of the furniture in the room and take one drink.
Any reference to the outcome of Pennsylvania’s election and its importance: Refer to anyone in the room as “Yinz” then take one drink of Yuengling, if available.
Any time Putin or Russia is referenced: Take a shot of vodka.
Any time the Middle East is referenced: Be bigger than all of our world’s politicians and take a temporary ceasefire from drinking.
Music
If Campaign HQ is playing any of these songs in the background, take one drink:
“We are the Champions” (Queen)
“Beautiful Day” (U2)
“Don’t Stop” (Fleetwood Mac) – Drink some Oceanspray Cranberry Juice
“Celebration” (Kool & the Gang)
“We Are Family” (Sister Sledge)
“Born in the USA” (Bruce Springsteen)
“I Won’t Back Down” (Tom Petty)
“Proud to be an American” (Lee Greenwood)
“Happy” (Pharrell Williams)
“… Ready for It” (Taylor Swift)
“Freedom” (Beyonce) – Finish your whole goddamn drink.
One bottle of Pedialyte or Coconut Water: All races have been called, or it’s 11 p.m., whichever comes first (you have to work in the morning, after all).
If there’s a balloon drop: Start a waterfall and keep drinking until all the balloons fall.
The Morning After
One full pot of coffee and perhaps a little hair of the dog, because while Wednesday is still a workday, we probably still won’t know the results for several days.
Photo courtesy of CNN
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