This is it… the eighth and final week of PorchDrinking.com’s Star Wars hype blog. Our mission to get excited about The Force Awakens now enters its final stages, as the movie comes out this week. To follow the progress of the past seven weeks of anecdotes, viral Star Wars content, and just general nerd ecstasy, check out the links below…

• Week one
• Week two
• Week three
• Week four
• Week five
• Week six
• Week seven

And if you just want all the latest stuff, skip ahead here:

A link to the latest post from today (Monday)

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Sunday, December 13

The Force Awakens comes out in 5 days. I’ll be honest: I’ll be relieved. You know what makes waiting for something really awesome a whole lot more frustrating? Writing about how awesome the thing you’re waiting for is. It’s like I ordered a delicious pizza, then to kill an hour of time before the pizza was delivered, I decided to watch videos of pizzas being made, research the history of pizza, and write 24,000 words about pizza. In my case, the pizza is Star Wars. For the better part of 2 months, I’ve ensconced myself in a world of Star Wars canonical trivia and general anticipation. It’ll be sort of a relief to unplug when the movie comes out… to just enjoy.

Still, our time together has been educational. I’ve learned a lot about Star Wars. I hope you have, too. Or at the very least, maybe you’ve gained some insight into what Star Wars means to one diehard fan (me). Here’s a look back at what we’ve learned together, with links to catch up or refresh yourself.

What have we learned?

• Sunday, October 25 – Alec Guinness wasn’t fond of A New Hope while filming it.
• Monday, October 26 – My co-workers’ office décor shows I’m not the only nerd in the office.
• Tuesday, October 27 – Google images of cosplayers don’t count as evidence for anyone’s The Force Awakens theories.
• Wednesday, October 28 – JJ Abrams is beloved, except by an O.G. Star Trek actor he didn’t cast in the new Star Trek.
• Thursday, October 29 – The destruction of Alderaan was NOT justified.
• Friday, October 30 – Harrison Ford is wise when it comes to the right approach to spoilers
• Saturday, October 31 – Little kids in Vader costumes for Halloween are the future
• Sunday, November 1 – Harrison Ford likes George Lucas and doesn’t like interviews
• Monday, November 2 – Flying to France to see The Force Awakens early would cost $2,456.49.
• Tuesday, November 3 – There’s a lot of Star Wars merchandise I really want but don’t need.
• Wednesday, November 4 – The Phantom Menace was a disaster behind the scenes.
• Thursday, November 5 – Wookieepedia is an excellent resource for learning way more than necessary about the world of Star Wars.
• Friday, November 6 – The international trailer for The Force Awakens had great new shots.
• Saturday, November 7 – The question of which Star Wars movie is best can change over time.
• Sunday, November 8 – George Lucas was fined $250,000 for that epic New Hope crawl.
• Monday, November 9 – TV spots started coming out.
• Tuesday, November 10 – The National Cathedral in Washington, DC has a real sculpture of Darth Vader’s helmet affixed to it.
• Wednesday, November 11 – Entertainment Weekly gave away details of a Force Awakens plot we’ve seen before
• Thursday, November 12 – Oscar Isaac has come a long way from playing Detective Fartman.
• Friday, November 13 – Hillary Clinton shares a Myers-Briggs personality type with Darth Vader.
• Saturday, November 14 – You can’t call a fan-made trailer “epic” just because it combines Star Wars and “Always Sunny.”
• Sunday, November 15 – Even the most remote areas of California have Star Wars-themed merchandise.
• Monday, November 16 – My grandfather made me the coolest Star Wars toy I ever owned.
• Tuesday, November 17 – Luke Skywalker killed 369,470 people.
• Wednesday, November 18 – History says The Force Awakens is going to crush Tina Fey & Amy Poehler’s movie at the box office.
• Thursday, November 19 – The cantina band has more backstory than anyone could have ever guessed.
• Friday, November 20 – Jabba the Hutt is the epitome of George Lucas meddling with his masterpiece with terrible results.
• Saturday, November 21 – Star Wars trailers have a long history of building hype.
• Sunday, November 22 – Presales for the new movie have already surpassed many movies from 2015.
• Monday, November 23 – Disneyland is the center of Star Wars hype.
• Tuesday, November 24 – It’s fun to watch kids find out the truth about Vader.
• Wednesday, November 25 – The best order for watching the movies is 4, 5, 2, 3, 6.
• Thursday, November 26 – My friend Jake & I wrote Star Wars/Space Jam crossover fan fiction in 1997.
• Friday, November 27 – Boba Fett deserves his status as a fan favorite because he was a badass.
• Saturday, November 28 – Empire Strikes Back almost had a campy slapstick scene.
• Sunday, November 29 – That dude from “Girls” is now the face of the franchise.
• Monday, November 30 – There’s a pink robot in Star Wars canon which has a very special real-life origin story.
• Tuesday, December 1 – The guy who wrote the “Hamilton” musical wrote a new cantina song with JJ.
• Wednesday, December 2 – Han shot first, but it shouldn’t matter.
• Thursday, December 3 – The rebels ruined the galactic economy.
• Friday, December 4 – John Boyega does a pretty convincing Pinocchio from “Shrek.”
• Saturday, December 5 – Daisy Ridley & Oscar Isaac also have a talent; they sing well together.
• Sunday, December 6 – The guy inside Vader’s suit sounds nothing like Vader’s voice, and was left in the dark about that whole “father” thing.
• Monday, December 7 – Every Christmas tree should have Star Wars ornaments.
• Tuesday, December 8 – Don’t bury rare action figures in a park.
• Wednesday, December 9 – The worst thing I can say about The Force Awakens is that George Lucas likes it.
• Thursday, December 10 – People don’t care about reserved seating; they just LIKE camping out for the premiere.
• Friday, December 11 – It’s cool to watch a $150 Millennium Falcon break into 1,300 pieces.
• Saturday, December 12 – Donald Trump would make a good Vader.

And then there’s the few lessons we’ll learn in these last few days.

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Monday, December 14

One of those lessons we’ll be learning this week: beware the dark side. And spoilers. 

Disney has been very careful about keeping secrets regarding what happens in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. We haven’t seen a single frame of who Andy Serkis is playing. We don’t know where the hell Luke Skywalker is. We don’t know what has happened in the 30 years since Return of the Jedi. And we don’t know what happens immediately before and after all those blaster shots and lightsaber swings we’ve seen in teasers and trailers.

Well, WE might not. But there are people who do. There are people who have spent countless hours sifting through call sheets, set photos, crew reports, and any other bit of information they can to come up with a complete view of what happens in The Force Awakens. And for those who want to be spoiled, there are ways of finding out.

I’m anti-spoiler. There are things I know already that I wish I didn’t know. Small details, mostly. Vague ideas to suggest in what chronological order the footage I’ve seen will be arranged. And rumors. Oh, those pesky rumors. I’m finding myself covering my ears when a few co-workers discuss rumors, because I know for a fact that a few people at my water-cooler have read detailed, largely confirmed story outlines. I don’t want to be one of them.

Here’s the thing about spoilers, though. I would venture that a vast majority of people Googling Star Wars spoilers and digging through message boards aren’t doing so in an effort to spoil the movie for anyone else. They want to know what The Force Awakens will be like to confirm or refute any suspicions they have about whether or not it will be a good movie.

It’s like peeking in your mom’s closet right before Christmastime not because you want to ruin the magic of the holiday, but because you want to confirm that there’s a lot to be excited for on Christmas morning. BTW, sorry, Mom… I totally knew where every one of your hiding spots was for about 5 Christmases in a row.

But even Master Yoda knew that Luke needed to confront the dark side in order to realize its power and understand the importance of beating it.

So I’m going to do something possibly insane. I’m going to tempt you. Though I have not read the detailed and largely confirmed outline of The Force Awakens, I know where it lives.

If you truly want to know what happens in the movie, click here.

And then shut your effing mouth and don’t tell me ANYTHING. I know where the post is. I refuse to read it.

Everyone has the right to enjoy Star Wars in their own way. Once the movie drops in Europe on Wednesday, the internet will no longer be a safe place anyway. I might as well bring a little bit of chaos here.

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This weekend was my company’s office party. I took Lyft (stay safe out there, revelers!), and this was my driver.

http://imgur.com/13OtxMc

For a few seconds, I misread my screen and thought I was on a Jedi mission IRL.

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