A bunch of stars won Oscars, we lost a Pope, and Justin Bieber is 100% officially a douche. All of that and more happened in the last week of February. Let’s recap!

 

The Oscars

All of this was thoroughly (some may even say exhaustively) covered in the PorchDrinking.com Oscars live blog. Look over those remarks if you wish, I guess. But here’s the general review: Argo won Best Picture, Daniel Day-Lewis & Jennifer Lawrence are the Best Actor/Actress, and Christoph Waltz & Anne Hathaway are the Best Supporting Actor/Actress. And then of course Seth Macfarlane’s acerbic style elicited tons of reviews. I’ll spare you a long take on how Seth did and say only this: He was good, but I think Captain Kirk was right when he said Tina & Amy should host everything. Forever.

Although Tina did say on Letterman this week that she won’t host. Ever. And Seth also said he won’t be back. So it’s back to the drawing board for 2014.

The Onion Offends

We at PorchDrinking were not the only ones live-blogging the Oscars. The Onion, the satirical news source, was tweeting during the Oscars; one tweet raised a firestorm. I won’t repeat the word itself (my mom sometimes reads this site), but they jokingly referred to 9-year-old Quevenzhane Wallis a four-letter word that begins with a C.

Obviously, not cool. Even if you’re joking. And, breaking character, The Onion posted an apology for tweeting the message. Following the cable-news, internet, and real-newspaper outcry, The Onion lowered its head and took the blowback. They even posted a story later in the week commenting on all the controversy they caused, joking that their publication had never received so much praise and support ever before. I don’t condone what was said, but I give props to the paper for doing their best to make amends and then making themselves the butt of a joke to move on.

The Pope Has Left The Building

I’m not a Catholic and I have nothing against Catholics, so I can’t say anything too funny about the Pope’s departure – the first time in 600 years that a Pope has retired instead of dying in office. Besides, those late-night hosts have already done that. Some of my favorite Pope jokes.

“It’s the season of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up ‘being Pope.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Benedict has officially retired. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn’t feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.” –Jimmy Kimmel

I will say that the Pope’s departure from the Vatican in a giant helicopter was pretty cool. Although it totally reminded me of the last scene in Angels & Demons which I will not elaborate on at all because I don’t want to spoil it.

ENORMOUS “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” News

This one is a two-part-er. One, I saw Ryan Stiles at the grocery store in Burbank and he was a very very nice man. It took all of my willpower not to say “Hey man, whose checkout line is it anyway?” I’m glad I stopped myself.

But then, less than 48 hours after encountering the great Ryan Stiles, the announcement comes that “Whose Line” is returning! With Wayne! And Colin! And Ryan! And…. Aisha Tyler, for some reason, as host. I guess the CW, who is picking up the show, wanted a more aesthetically pleasing host than Drew Carey. Have they not seen how much weight he’s lost?

I can’t wait. I love improv, and any time these guys are together it should be good television. This is almost as good as Star Wars and Boy Meets World.

The “Poop Cruise” ruined your chance of reliving the 90s

Mark McGrath (that guy from Sugar Ray) was going to do a cruise with the Spin Doctors, the Gin Blossoms, Uncle Cracker, and Smashmouth. Except now it’s cancelled. It’s still a little bit unclear if this is because of the recent disastrous Carnival cruise where people were stranded on a sewage-ridden boat for days… or if people just didn’t want to pay money to be on a boat with Sugar Ray.

Ke$ha and Ke$ha’s mom co-wrote a song about her vagina

Now you’re forced to know that every time you hear “Gold Trans-Am.” You can never un-know it.

The Hobbit delayed

The third “Hobbit” movie will come out in December 2014 instead of July 2014. No reason was given. So it’s either because Peter Jackson prefers having movies out at Christmas, or that they need to do more work on the film. Or maybe the second one will be so long that by the time you’re done watching it, it will be December 2014.
 

And now for the stories of people we all love to hate….

Lindsay Lohan is going to trial

Hard to recap ALL of the problems Lindsay has had (I encourage you all to read a certain gossip site for the full details), but here’s the quick version: in 2011 Lindsay stole jewelry and got probation. In June 2012 she hit a truck with her Porsche and lied to cops about driving. Then later in 2012 she allegedly punched some girl at a club. All of these cases combined so that Lindsay now has some second-rate NY lawyer repping her in a California case that could ruin her probation and send her to jail for a long time. Or maybe she’ll somehow get out of it, but she already turned down a plea deal. We’ll know more when her trial date of March 18 arrives.

Bieber goes full douche

Justin Bieber turned 19 this week. And he celebrated in London by doing this. And this. And this.

What a douche. It can no longer be denied.