The Oscars are Sunday and I know what you’re thinking: “Oh CRAP. I haven’t seen anything. And I’m hosting an Oscar party.  What am I going to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” 

First, calm down. I have triaged all the films to give you the most bang for your buck (or illegal download, as it were).

1.     Birdman

Nominated for: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Cinematography, Best Original Screenplay, Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing

The Best Picture race is really down to Birdman and Boyhood—the two B’s, as I like to call him. I’ll be honest, I started writing this with Boyhood in my top slot but after looking at the evidence, I had to switch it up. Birdman is nominated in more categories. While two of the three extra nominations Birdman has over Boyhood are in stupid categories no one cares about that Whiplash or American Sniper are going to win (Sound Editing and Sound Mixing), the one extra is for Cinematography and actually matters. Birdman is probably going to win Best Director—Alejandro Iñarritu won the DGA award which has correctly predicted the category 11 of the past 14 years. And while Eddie Redmayne is the favorite in the Best Actor category, if anyone upsets him it’s going to be Michael Keaton. To sum up, Birdman is going to take home the most awards people care about.

2.    Boyhood

Nominated for: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Original Screenplay, Best Film Editing

Boyhood is in a dead heat with Birdman for Best Picture. However, if Patricia Arquette doesn’t win Best Supporting Actress, I’ll changing my name to Oleg and moving to Tampa. Unfortunately, there are clear front runners in all the other categories Boyhood is up for … and they aren’t Boyhood. But if you watch this at least you’ll be able to talk about how cool it was to watch the people age.  Because where else can you watch people AGE? That shit doesn’t just happen.

3.     Theory of Everything

Eddie Redmayne is going home with a statue. I know I said Michael Keaton has a chance.  And he does. But Eddie played a real person with a degenerative disease so … And Theory won the BAFTA for Best Adapted Screenplay, but not the WGA Award so it’s not a lock. But if you make it this far on the list, you can either say “EDDIE WAS ROBBED” or “MICHAEL KEATON WAS ROBBED” or “EDDIE TOTALLY DESERVED THAT” or “MICHAEL TOTALLY DESERVED THAT.” So many options!

4.     Imitation Game

This could win Best Adapted Screenplay if Theory of Everything doesn’t. And it’s just like, really good, ok?

5.     Grand Budapest Hotel

This is #5 depending on how you feel about twee things. If you love them, you’ve probably already seen this. If you hate them, you should never see this movie. But it’s going to win Best Original Screenplay and maybe Production Design or another award they’ll present while you make a beer run in the middle of the show.

6.     Whiplash

I’m not kidding when I say JK Simmons is going to take this home. High fives all around for anticipating the joke your mom will text you when he wins. This could also win in the sound categories depending on if the academy likes music or war (American Sniper) better.

7.     Still Alice

This film will win 100% of the awards it’s nominated for—so just Julianne More for Best Actress.

8.     Foxcatcher

This isn’t going to win anything except maybe make up, but when is Steve Carrell going to be nominated for another Oscar? Well, probably at least one more time. He’s very talented. I’m sorry, Steve.

9.     American Sniper

If you’ve made it this far, good for you! This will probably take home some editing awards but none of the majors.

10.   Selma

Because history and completion.