Sheryl Crow. Brian Wilson. J.K. Rowling. Tony Soprano. If you are considering therapy, just know you are in good company. And in our present climate characterized by collective anxiety and presidential stupidity (“He tweeted what?!”), therapy is well within the margins of sanity.

So you could continue listening to that Father John Misty album on repeat, but we humbly suggest you get out of bed, take a shower, throw on your cleanest dirty shirt and explore one of these therapeutic options. We have paired each of these options with a beer, because all therapy should be paired with a depressant. (Our therapist told us so; she said it is a matter of sustainability.) We have made each of these pairings applying the very empirical and exhaustive process of employing bad puns. Back off, man; we’re scientists.

 

DISCLAIMER: We here at PorchDrinking.com are MOST DEFINITELY NOT licensed therapists and are in NO WAY qualified IN ANY WAY to offer therapeutic insights, advice or anything requiring knowledge or skill. We do, however, know beer quite well. Also, only one out of the five options below is a legitimate therapeutic option, so, you know, keep that in mind. And although beer may be the cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems, it really is no substitute for medical and therapeutic treatments for mental illness. (You cannot sue us now.)

 

Cryotherapy: Kulmbacher Eisbock

We warned you we would be employing bad puns, but we are not going to tell you to chill out. (We still have taste, after all.) If you wish to reduce pain and inflammation, unsaddle yourself from toxins, and increase blood circulation, go ahead and step into the clinical deep-freeze for 3 minutes at -150º Celsius.

For those of us who do not like the idea of turning ourselves into a bomb pop, there is another option. Kulmbacher is happy to address your therapeutic needs with their Eisbock. Since an Eisbock is essentially a Doppelbock that has been frozen and the ice scraped from atop the surface in order to concentrate the flavor and alcohol, this is the perfect pairing (or substitute for the clinically sane) for cryotherapy.

You will pick up on rich, deep malt flavors of bread dough, molasses, toffee, and even stonefruit such as figs. The 9.2% ABV means that as an added bonus, you will pick up some warmth from this beer, rather than have to pick up your frostbitten and severed digits off the floor.

 

Rage Room: Surly Furious

We like Surly for many reasons, not the least of which is that the names of their beers cover our full spectrum of known emotions. For this pairing, though, you will need access to a can of Surly’s Furious. And a sledgehammer. And a baseball bat. And protective clothing, face shield, gloves, and lots and lots of glass.

Suit up and prepare to rage. At the rage room nearest you, you can break as much shit as you like for a price. It is like someone tapped into the dystopian film The Purge, minus all the killing.

If you are going to take your aggression to the next level, you may as well pair your experience with an aggressively-hopped – and appropriately named – IPA. Expect a caramel malty backbone with a blitzkrieg of orange pulp and piney hops. That slap in the face of hops bitterness is just what you needed before you strike down upon inanimate objects with great vengeance and furious anger.

Furious: the official unofficial beer of a long day in the shop and/or general puttering pic.twitter.com/BVKoVdhG78

— surlybrewing (@surlybrewing) January 18, 2018

 

Massage: Block 15 Sticky Hands

Unless you are George Costanza, a massage is just what the doctor ordered to lower your stress. And let’s be real: sticky hands, applied to a masseuse, in any sense of the term, ought to land them in prison. (Having said that, we are waiting for a masseuse willing to offer us the rubber cement treatment. Do not judge us until you’ve tried it.)

But if relaxation is what you need, friend, then pour yourself a Block 15 Sticky Hands. Freshly squeezed oranges, tropical fruits, and pine resin greet your palate without an aggressive hops bitterness that feels like it will burn right through your GI tract. Here you will find balance with a slightly warming alcohol finish for your happy ending.

What's better than a tall boy of #StickyHands? Two of 'em, obviously. 😉 #Block15 #DoubleTheDankness #DoubleTheFun pic.twitter.com/1w1ZXZbhSU

— Block 15 Brewing Co. (@Block15Brewing) January 8, 2018

 

UV Light: Other Half Light Therapy

It is not like long periods of overcast skies and limited sunlight are limited to the Pacific Northwest. This time of year, all of us could use just a little extra Vitamin D. We would tell you to click on through to that online one-stop-shop named after a rainforest we all know and love to buy yourself a happy lamp, but they ain’t paying us, yet.

As you soak in those rays and feel those dopamine levels restore to a passable level, you owe it to yourself to suck down a Light Therapy from Other Half. Cocoa nibs, coconut, and other big sweet malty flavors emerge with just enough hops balance to balance things out. The boozy warmth will leave you thinking of sunnier days.

 

Sensory Deprivation Chamber: Piney River Float Trip

If life’s stresses have you thinking you may want to trust a perfect stranger to lock you into a TANK, then rest well knowing that service exists for you! In fact, rest in peace. Rest forever! You have no idea how long you will be resting because YOU ARE IN A FUCKING TANK, stripped of your senses.

Once you step on out of there, Rip van Winkle, we hope for your sake they have beer in the future, because you’re gonna need it. Help yourself to a Float Trip by Piney River. This Blonde serves up light bready malts with a soft sweetness, and the 4.5% ABV means you will still have time to regain your senses before fighting off robots. Or zombies. (Does it even matter? Everyone you know is dead. Thank you, sensory deprivation chamber! All my stresses are gone!)

Tapped the award-winning blonde ale, Float Trip Ale, from @PineyRiverBrew! pic.twitter.com/o4eCO1JHzY

— Draftcade (@draftcade) January 3, 2018

The Austrian’s Couch: Evil Twin Freudian Slip

Traditional therapy is like playing whack-a-mole with your emotional baggage: as soon as you confront one issue, several others pop up. It is, quite frankly, exhausting. (Pro Tip: a good therapist will help you find ways to blame your parents; a great therapist will prescribe you something to make your brain’s juices flow like the taps at Falling Rock.)

Evil Twin’s Freudian Slip will help you forget those painful moments in therapy. Everything about this beer is going to feel huge in your mouth: raisins, plums, brown sugar, and molasses all emerge from the malts, while allspice and tea leaves round out the snowball kiss of hops on your palate. So your therapist may tell you to suck it up when all you wanted to do was get in there and find some answers. Feel free to blow him off if he touches on your sensitive areas, because this Freudian Slip is enough to leave you satisfied and smiling.

 

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