The Conversation I Had in My Head with Tristan About Writing This Week’s Review

Me: Tristan, do I have to include Bieb’s deposition in my Week in Review?

Tristan: Yes, CVM. It’s the Week in Review.  It happened during the week so you must review it for our dear readers.
Me: But Tristan, I care about our readers as much as you do which is exactly why I don’t want to waste their time with this bullshit.
Tristan: CVM,  all you do is write about pop culture. You should be eating this up.
Me: Tristan, all due respect, but you can go fuck yourself.  You don’t know me at all!
Tristan: Woah woah, no need for the language.  And saying “All due respect” first does not mean you can say anything after.
Me: I know, I’m sorry.  I just get very heated when people feed into these celebrities’ desperate pleas for attention.
Tristan: Haven’t you complained to me how there’s never anything to write about? Well he’s doing you a favor by giving you something to write about.  I’m sure Biebs reads our blog on the daily.
Me: I know he’s a loyal fan but I don’t want to write about it.  Bless his heart but I don’t want to feed into his already inflated ego by making him think that every little thing that little twat does is newsworthy.
Tristan: You can’t say “bless his heart” and then whatever you want after, either.
Me: My midwestern upbringing by southern raised parents begs to differ, sir.
Tristan: Just post the video and be done with it already. Then you can talk about anything you want.

Me: ANYTHING I WANT?!
Tristan: No.
Me: You tricky bastard.
Tristan: You also need to talk about the President on ‘Between Two Ferns.’
Me: Oh, I didn’t like that he was being all sassy.
Tristan: You know it’s not real, right?
Me: OH MY GOD IT’S NOT REAL?!?! But I’m just saying he had a say in how he came across and what he said so
Tristan: Well the Republicans say he’s a little pussy man with mom jeans because Russia so let’s just accept him not taking shit from Zach.
Me: Tristan, saying “Republicans say” doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want after.

Tristan: Oh and you need to talk about Tom Bergeron leaving America’s Funniest Videos.
Me: Wait, what?
Tristan: That wasn’t a difficult concept to grasp. What is your question exactly?
Me: America’s Funniest Videos is still on?
Tristan: Yes.
Me: Is he leaving because they finally cancelled it?
Tristan: No.
Me: So not only is it still on, but they are going to go through all the hassle of finding another person to host?
Tristan: Yes.
Me: Good lord, why?
Tristan: You’re from the midwest. You of all people should understand their demographic.
Me: Um, you’re from Kentucky. So don’t try to blame bad TV on MY people.  You are just as guilty in all that.  I bet you’re even happy Big Bang Theory just got renewed for THREE MORE FUCKING YEARS.
Tristan: I love Big Bang Theory!  I in no way think it mocks intelligence and promotes stupidity and beauty as desirable traits!  I totally want to be a smart weirdo!
Me: You know you can be smart and have social skills, right?
Tristan: No you can’t! The TV says so.
Me: Well the TV is also going to put on a show called Sex Box where a couple has sex in a box and then they go through couples therapy on TV.
Tristan: How can I watch this immediately?
Me: It’s already a show in the UK that WeTV is adapting for American audiences as they are notoriously as relaxed about sex as Europeans are.
Tristan: Oh totally. No one thinks our children will be completely morally ruined if they see a woman’s breasts. No American thinks that at all. Not one.
Me: None that I know of but I live with two boys.
Tristan: This whole “conversation Week in Review” post is getting a little contrived at this point, don’t you think?
Me: Why would I think anything I do is contrived? And we aren’t even really having this conversation. I’m making everything you say up as I go with very little editing in between.
Tristan: Ok now you’re being too contrived AND too meta. Wrap it up.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
Tristan: Yes I am. I am also YOU. And YOU are Me. We are one.
Me: Who’s being meta now?
Tristan: You are, CVM. You’re writing this.
Me: Shut up.
Tristan: Ok.