Our 45th President of the United States has been officially declared to be the one and only Donald J. Trump. As we all know, Trump is a man of great class putting his seal of approval on everything from casinos, buildings, steaks and water bottles. But what kind of beer do you get for the man who has everything? Remember everyone, George W. Bush appealed to people as “a president you could sit down and have a beer with.” So what would come in the cabinet of America’s Blue-Collar Billionaire?

 

Gul Snö Beer

Pang Pang Brewery

Stockholm, Sweden | American Blonde Ale | ABV: 7.9%

Gold prices are going up in the heat of a Trump presidency, so savor it in drink form before it becomes $100 an ounce! This one of a kind Stockholm beer is brewed with gold leaves for that elegant, Champagne appearance for fancy events. Gul Snö defines our commander in chief, featuring ingredients of Styring Golding Hops, Star Anise, and Bitter Orange. A bubbly Blonde ideal for Trump to lick the glass down to the last drop. This beer gives you a good reason to eat the yellow snow…it’s just sharp, liquid gold!

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Utopias

Samuel Adams (Boston Beer Company)

Boston, MA | American Strong Ale | ABV: 28%

 

The beer connoisseurs’ easy to acquire whale speaks to the Trump in all of us. Just the bottle alone screams a man of value happy to spend $200 on copper-coated candy. We’ll see if Trump’s visions of Utopia will take off; one with border walls far as the eye can see, free market policies, deplorable squads removing the bad hombres. Trump’s America comes with a heavy burden of hop pungency but goes down thanks to sweet dreamy hints of maple syrup and toffee. Make America Guzzle Again!

 

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Snake Venom

Brewmeister Brewery

Keith, Moray, Scotland | English Barleywine | ABV: 67.5%

The 2016 Election between Clinton and Trump was our nation’s live action brawl between the Cobra and Mongoose. Although the mammal fought valiantly, the Cobra won because it had “the strongest venom.” This behemoth of a barleywine comes with that Trump brand of unpredictability, ranging in flavors from caramel to bubblegum, featuring a touch of peat smoked malt for swamp draining goodness. A little bit of venom helped us decide who should be our next president, so electing Twitter’s best venom spewer will rain down gloriously upon us.

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Tactical Nuclear Penguin

BrewDog

Ellon, Scotland | Imperial Stout | ABV: 32%

I’d hate to drop a bomb on you guys…but Donald Trump’s plan to defeat terrorism? Nuking Penguins. Doesn’t ISIS sound a lot like ICE!? The opposite of sand and heat, it makes perfect sense to hide those sleeper agents in a place no one looks. They’re adulterers. They’re bringing disease. And I assume some of them are good people, but we have to out their families! The best way to lure them out is using beer frozen time and time again aged in Scottish whiskey. Drink to the end of extremist birds!

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Armageddon

Brewmeister Brewery

Keith, Moray, Scotland | Eisbock | ABV: 65%

Lots of people believe Armageddon will happen under a Trump presidency, so you’re gonna get it! The smoky malts, the consuming warmth of alcohol and sweet embrace of brown sugar are delivered in this biblical beverage. An eisbock is perfect as Donnie’s tax returns might be frozen in German waters. There’s no getting around what’ll might happen to the country with our launch codes, so grab them by the pure fission weapons! After all, as Back to the Future 2 proves, there’s never a problem with size.

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The End of History

BrewDog

Ellon, Scotland | Blonde Belgian Ale | ABV: 55%

“Dog Bless America” for BrewDog’s gumption to brew in Ohio right before the end times. Infused with Scottish nettles and juniper berries, this yuuge beer throws conventional standards out the window to break down the establishment! This beer is perfect for the Trump taxidermy hall; a little butler to greet you before checking out Trump Jr’s Cheetah Pelt! Trump may not cause the End of History in America, but it’ll take us back to a greater time for rich, hard-working tycoons: The 1920s!

Some of you guys will be popping your Yuenglings in delight this weekend after your savior has been elected. Good for you. But if you want to be a man of true class and wealth, get a small loan from your father and pride yourself in a bottle of the best beer you can. To anyone not happy, look at it this way: four years of Alec Baldwin getting work!

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