Content Warning: If you fancy yourself only the most modest connoisseur of media and pop culture, the following may be an inappropriate consumption for you. This week showcased some of the most in-depth news of the year, distinguished not only by its content, but the elaborate multiplicity consternating the ramifications necessary to comprehend. If you choose to read, the choice may irrevocably extinguish the inexhaustible, visa vi, your pop culture conscious. Ergo, the paradox of choice: causality. Concordantly. A priori? I don’t have a job.

Ipso facto, I’m going to help translate some of the more confounding, yet important news and info of the week so you can alienate impress your friends with some of your syllogistic pop culture knowledge. Let us begin.

 

e3

This week, the annual Electronic Entertainment Expo (e3) kicked off with a full introduction to the next generation of video gaming. Microsoft, Sony, Activision and Ubisoft all held press conferences showing off whats to come for their multi-billion dollar industry. Bombastic showcases, huge reveals and biting insults punctuated the event, but here’s the gist of it:

Microsoft showed of a TON of exclusive games for their new console, the Xbox One. The epicosity almost reached unhealthy levels of fan salivation, but appetites were lulled by the price ($500!), and rumors that consumers can only play the Xbox One if they have internet access. Furthermore, and infuriating to many, a fee may be introduced for playing used/borrowed games. But, you know. The rest looked amazing.

Sony started off slow, dancing their usual routine and touting Japanese-heavy games such as Kingdom Hearts 3, Final Fantasy XV and some notable indie games for the new PS4. However, the show blasted into the stratosphere when Sony announced the PS4 to cost ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS LESS ($400!) than their competitor, along with a promise that Sony will never impose any fee for borrowed games. The internet was set afire and PS4 became the top trending item on twitter as Sony aficionados proclaimed the console wars “OVER!” All the hoopla covered up Sony’s quick announcements after the conference, however: PlayStation owners must now pay to play multiplayer online, and used-game fees will be applied if publishers want them to be. Sony, you brilliant, devious bastards.

Do you remember Ouya? It’s a Kickstarter-funded console I wrote about awhile back that will cost $99 and has games you can play for free. They tried to give the finger to e3 by setting up their own event right across the street, but that ended with an escalating game of ‘who calls the LAPD first.’ The folks at e3 won, but the Ouya people had the proper permits, so the little-console-that-maybe-can lives on to fight another day.

Dizzying and encompassing as it may be, e3’s biggest news was about the games. Destiny, Ryse, Watch Dogs, MGS 5, Titan Fall, Quantum Break, The Division and Assassins Creed 4 all flexed their beautiful muscles in new demos and previews, but for me, the single greatest reveal was this:

I could write article upon article about the in’s, out’s, reveals and exemptions (Nintendo, where are you? You’re drunk) of this years enormous e3, but since we’re on the subject of Star Wars…

 

Star Wars VII Script Details

When it comes to rumors, the Latino-Review has the best track record for breaking secrets we weren’t supposed to know. According to the Latin soothsayers, Star Wars: Episode VII will tell the story of Jaina and Jacen Solo, Han and Leia’s kids. Apparently, a casting notice called for actors to play “two 17 year old twins, a girl and a boy, trained by their uncle Luke to be the greatest Jedis in the galaxy. Problems arise when the male twin turn to the dark side.”

This contradicts previous reports that Episode VII won’t borrow from Star Wars’ expanded universe, but if it’s true, we’ll get a movie rife with family drama, growth through the Force, and the eternal battle between right and wrong. Basically the exact same Star Wars we known and love, guided by the capable hands of director J.J. Abrams and screenwriter Michael Arndt. And I’m fine with that.

 

Potentially Amazing Movies from Proven Producers

In news-you’ll-be-way-more-excited-about-after-you-see-Man-of-Steel, Christopher Nolan will return as producer for Man of Steel 2, along with Zack Snyder and David Goyer as director/screenwriter. Translation: THIS IS RIDICULOUSLY GOOD NEWS FOR DC. Man of Steel is about to smash the box-office and raise the bar for what we should expect in a superhero movies (seriously, go watch it this weekend), and the Nolan-Snyder-Goyer triple threat trio are not only going to guide the sequel, but also the upcoming Justice League of America movie. In case you didn’t know, David Goyer helped write the latest Batman movies with Nolan, and coupled with Snyders visual stupor, DC is setting the stage for a Marvel massacre.

In other noteworthy producer news, Frank Marshall is going to produce the Assassin’s Creed movie starring Michael Fassbender. Who’s Frank Marshall? The producer behind Back to the Future, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Sixth Sense and Hook, to name a few. Oh, and he’s also married to the new boss of Lucasfilm, Kathleen Kennedy. Along with AC, Ubisoft just green-lit Watch Dogs, Far Cry and Rabbids movies too, but let’s face it; a shameful majority of video game adaptations are, well, shameful. Nevertheless, this hiring proves Ubisoft is committed to making (potentially) the best video game movie of all time. Of ALL time!

Not that it’ll be too hard…

News that Requires No Analysis (Or The Most)

Warner Bros. decided to cancel it’s plan to adapt the long awaited Dumb and Dumber sequel starring Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels.

Leonardo DiCaprio will play Rasputin in a new movie.

The 300 sequel dropped a trailer this week.

Kanye West says he’s a god in his new album.

And that’s where my brain breaks and gives up. I told you it was an in-depth week.

Sigh.

Mea Cupla.